Hand In Hand

Hand In Hand

Saturday, December 26, 2009

8 Week 3 Day Quiz/Update

Welcome, all who are visiting from ICLW! I haven't posted since Wednesday (Graduation Day). But I saw this quiz on another blog and I thought it was a pretty neat idea. It's a nice way to occasionally update you all on my pregnancy and how things are going. Enjoy!

How far along: 8 weeks 3 days

Symptoms: Nausea occasionally, absolutely and utterly exhausted, bloated, a bit gassy at times, still sore and tender bbs

Total weight gain: 2lbs at last weigh in at the doctor, and the nurse said she thinks most of it is from my bbs

Maternity clothes: Not yet, but my absolutely wonderful Mom bought me two Mother.hood shirts and a gift card to buy more clothes...my jeans are a little snug, though.

Stretch marks: On my bbs, as they have definitely grown already

Sleep: I sleep like a baby.  I don't usually wake up until the alarm goes off or I have to pee. I find myself doing that two or three times in the middle of the night. I'm not liking that very much.

Best moment last week: Graduation Day, when I was released from Dr. V and can now see Dr. H.

Movement: Too early for a kidney bean baby to move around.

Food cravings: Taco.Bell (mainly the taco salad), cheesesteak, hamburgers, salty things. Sweet things are generally too sweet anymore...wonder if my sweet tooth will come back!

Belly Button in or out: In, of course!

What I miss: Soy sauce. I haven't had any. I will this week, but not much. There are estrogen compounds in soy, so it's not recommended for women in the first trimester. Boo!

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to my first appointment with Dr. H  on January 7th. It feels so good to have graduated. His one direction to me in June when we referred me to Dr. V was to come back pregnant before my annual was due. Yay, I followed directions!

Milestones: Hearing the heartbeat at 7 weeks and then again at 8 weeks. 

How is daddy? He is wonderful. He was so excited that we spilled the beans at 5 weeks in because he wanted to share the news. He's got bronchitis right now, but he won't kiss me because of it and he's so doting and loving. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful husband/father of our child-to-be.

How are the grandparents? They are excited as can be. Hubby's mom has prayed for this child since the day we got married. My parents are also extremely excited. They all love children and are so good with them. My mom is so cute about it. I said she got two shirts from Mother.hood. Well, she got two long sleeved t-shirts because they didn't look too maternity. She's so cute.  

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Graduation Day

Today, I had a whole mixture of emotions going on. I had my 8-week ultrasound. And Little Bean is wonderful. Strong heartbeat, lots of new growth, everything is right on track. But I graduated tonight. I feel like this was a bittersweet evening for me. Dr. V (and Dr. S) have been absolutely amazing. I thank God for them, as they are responsible for assisting in my reproduction. I did start to get misty eyed when I thought about leaving the trusted hands I have been with since June. Dr. V is so patient and personal. He's not the dry, to the point doctor that gets old really quickly. 

So now I go to my obstetrician in January. I trust Dr. H, he's the one who referred me to Dr. V in the first place. I know I will be still be in great hands. I am a little giddy about the whole thing, as it still seems so unreal. I think I'm in that place where one moment, I get it, I know it, I believe it. And then the next second, I pinch myself but I'm already awake. I guess it will really seem like my reality in a few more weeks, but right now, it's still this amazing dream that I feel like I will wake up from.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Michelin Man

Hi to everyone reading from ICLW!! In case you couldn't tell by the picture just above this post, I am pregnant, though still pretty new to the pregnancy thing. My belly has already started to change in shape. And I know that it will eventually look beautiful and be perfect. But right now, it doesn't look at all like a pregnant woman's belly. Instead, it looks like the Michelin Man.

It really is the strangest thing. The only way I can really give you a visual is to say that it looks like I'm wearing an invisible belt. I have a roll above the belly button and a roll below the belly button. And I know they will connect eventually, but right now, I'm the Michelin Lady! 

Adventures in the Snow

Well, New Jersey saw it's first snowfall of the year on Saturday. And it was a LOT of snow! We had 2 feet of snow. Hubby vowed to not let me out of the house for fear of falling and hurting Little Bean. So I was content to stay upstairs. And I did...on Saturday. And at that point, we didn't have the 2 feet, we maybe had 16 inches or so by Saturday early evening. Unfortunately, yesterday, I had to bundle up and head outside to play in the snow. Why? Hubby lost his keys in the snow. Yep, the key ring with the apartment key, the car keys, his classroom keys, the mailbox key, his mom's house key, etc...not good to lose in 2 feet of snow! So I got to play with a shovel, but I didn't actually shovel. We did find the keys, but it wasn't without some good laughs and quite the adventure. It was almost as classic as the day I lost my wedding ring in the sand in Wildwood, NJ (it fell off my finger when I went to catch a football and instead it grazed my finger and pulled the ring right off) and my most wonderful friends had to rent a metal detector because they refused to leave the beach until we found it. When Little Bean is born, there certainly will be no shortage of adventures and good laughs, that's for sure.

We went out to dinner last night at Iron Hill Brewery. Two of my friends were like kids in a candy store with all the beer samplers. Me? I had my root beer. Little Bean doesn't want alcohol! It was really funny thinking to myself that I'm pregnant and at a brewery. The irony of it makes me chuckle. But Little Bean is now in charge of my decisions and I have to make sure my Little Bean stays safe in there!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Little Bean Has a Heartbeat!

We went for our 7-week ultrasound last night with Dr. V. How exciting! Little Bean had a strong heartbeat, 133bpm. It is so amazing to see the beating heart of this little tiny being inside of your body. Wow. I don't think there are really words to express how it really feels. I didn't think I would ever get to feel those emotions and here I am! It's crazy!! I go back in again next Wednesday, two days before Christmas, for my 8-week ultrasound. After that, Dr. V is releasing me to my OB. I called them today and they can't get me in until January 7th. So I'll be a nervous wreck for the two weeks in between. But it's okay. Little Bean is doing well. She/he is measuring a few days behind, but Dr. V said it's okay.

So life seems to be going well. I think I am fighting a cold of sorts, so I am trying to rest and relax as much as possible. I'm trying to keep myself hydrated, too. The nausea hasn't really been an issue for me. Although yesterday I had some nausea issues, it hasn't been an issue otherwise. The heartburn comes and goes, but I can deal with it. But the tiredness. Oh, the tiredness is unbelievable! I am thankful for the reasons behind all the tiredness, but it is very intense. 

Life continues to be a blessing for me. Hubby is so patient and loving. He's a music teacher and tonight is the concert for his school. I'm not one to miss a concert, as I like to support him and I love his students. But I'm just so tired. So I am at home, relaxing. Although it's late, I'm going to take a nap before bed. 

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Life is Teaching Me Patience

I find myself not being very patient with waiting for things lately. For example, I'm not the most patient with waiting for Wednesday night. I get my second ultrasound to make sure Little Bean is growing and has a heartbeat. I don't want to wait, I don't want to be patient. But just like all of our journeys, patience paves the way for wonderful blessings and beautiful life experiences. 

I haven't been feeling a whole lot different lately. I'm still bloated even though I tend to drink about 70oz of water on average (each day). I feel like I spend my life in the bathroom. I've been getting sleepy every day like clockwork around 1pm. Weird....

And one of my students is so observant. He says to me, "Mrs. C, why are you always tired anymore during Math?" And then yesterday, just like every day for the past two weeks, I have to take a trip to "The Little Girl's Room." The one-on-one aide for one of my students is on lunch break and she spends it in my room. So she watches my few students while I run to the bathroom. So this same student mentioned above says to me yesterday, "Geez, Mrs. C, you're always tired and you always have to go to the bathroom? What is wrong with you lately!" Okay, this kid is barely 8 years old...is it that obvious that something is different? Then, he asks me if I have kids. Um....no, and I didn't want to add "not quite yet, but soon!" Instead, I said I have him and get to send him home at the end of the day. He got a good laugh out of that. But really? He's been in my classroom since September and now, he's asking me if I have kids? Weird! He's probably going to be the first kid to figure out my little secret...

I thought you would all love that story. Kids are funny.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

6 Week Ultrasound

I had my first ultrasound of Little Bean tonight. It was amazing! I got a little teary eyed when my doctor pointed to the screen and said "That's your baby." My baby! It's really happening, that's MY baby! Wow. The gestational sac is perfect, there's a visible yolk sac, and of course, a teeny tiny little itty bitty fetus hanging out. It was amazing. It's still too early to detect the heart beat. So I go back in next Wednesday evening to check for Little Bean's heartbeat. I'm excited. I am at a slight shortage of words to say, as it is just an amazing experience beyond words to describe it. So instead, I'll just post Little Bean's first picture. Enjoy!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Will the Nerves Ever Calm Down?

I had my 4th beta done today, Today, it's at 3,179 at 26 DPO. So that's a great number. Good things are happening so far. My number has steadily doubled, almost like textbook perfection. Numbers are going up too fast or too slow, but they are just right. Yet, my nerves are shot. I wonder if my nerves will ever calm down about this pregnancy! I worked so hard to get to this point, and so much prayer went in to getting here. This child of mine was conceived by prayer and hard work. But I'm so nervous that Little Bean won't be there on Wednesday night's ultrasound. I'm petrified of hearing that it's a blighted ovum or an ectopic pregnancy. Not that I've had any pain to say that it's ectopic, it is just one of those thoughts in the back of my mind. I don't want to get all excited about this child until I see that they are perfect on Wednesday night. But I'm just soooo nervous. So pray for Little Bean and me, that everything will be okay and Little Bean will just be perfect in every way.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Little Bean is Growing!

Sorry I've been MIA, lots of things going on. I've had 3 betas done now. Today's beta was 1579. I'm so excited about it. I get a fourth beta on Monday and my first ultrasound is Wednesday. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm still in disbelief. I keep asking myself "Is this real?" and "Is this really happening?" It all seems so surreal, like a dream. I'm walking on a cloud right now! It's crazy!

Being pregnant is different...I've had some nausea this week. I have decided to keep saltines and ginger ale by the bed every night so that I can have it first thing in the morning. But I don't want to eat anything else until like 9 or 10. I'm definitely hungrier in the evening. It's still all so weird. All these things that are different for my body to experience, it's crazy. I don't know how else to describe it. 

Please pray for Little Bean. Pray that the ultrasound goes well on Wednesday and that Little Bean is healthy in there. I'm just so thankful for God's blessing with Little Bean.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

God Never Lets Go of Us

I was singing in church today and one of the songs just touched me so deeply. It rang so true for me. It's Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." As I was singing, I got a little misty eyed. I wanted to share the video link with you. The words are moving beyond belief for my journey. The chorus alone gets me a little choked up:
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

Wow...those are some powerful words. Here's the link to the video:


Saturday, November 28, 2009

Hindsight is 20/20

Looking back at the past two weeks, I should have known something was very different. I think I've been through failed cycles so many times that to even think for a second that I was pregnant seemed wrong. So I just chalked it up to the Endometrin, after all, it was the only thing different to my routine. I had some cramping, and not AF cramps, either. These were a little lower, in a weird, never had cramps there before kind of spot. And they've been on and off since last Saturday. I've had some heartburn, but again, I just assumed it was the Endometrin. Add the morning nose bleeds on the way to work. My nose never bleeds and these aren't bad, it's more like I blow my nose and there's some blood on the tissue. Weird...Now, add the gas, the insatiable hunger, it all makes more sense now. Hindsight is 20/20.

Hubby claims to have suspected it for about a week now. But he knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't have believed him if he said he thought I was pregnant. He's noticed changes that I just ignored. He's amazing. Rather than say anything, he just thought it and had himself happy about what I didn't know yet.

For those of you reading my blog, believe me, I never thought this day would come. It has been a LONG journey to get to this place. But God is good. He knew when the right time would be and I'm trusting Him, as He's blessed me with a miracle growing inside. I've prayed for this child for over two years and I truly believe that God doesn't give us things when WE want them, but rather when we can handle them correctly. I find that I appreciate my circumstance much more given what I've gone through to get to this point. 

I can't even express how excited I am and yet so nervous. I want this baby to stick. I've prayed for it, written letters to it, and wanted it so badly. Please pray for this child, that it will be perfect and healthy.

Friday, November 27, 2009


I had my bloodwork done this morning at the RE's office. Yesterday, I kind of didn't let myself believe that the test was really positive. I think I got used to it being negative every cycle that it didn't seem like it could be real. But now, it's real. My beta was 98! The nurse who called that this is a fantastic number for where I'm at, being it's 16DPO. I finally allowed myself to cry. I think all the failed cycles and all the emotions of feeling like it would never happen finally overflowed when I realized that the Lord provides when He sees fit. I wrote yesterday that I was thankful for God's many blessings, big and small, seen and unseen, expected and unexpected. How true! 

Please pray that this baby (or babies, since I released 4 eggs!!) sticks. I'm so nervous about that. I had a great progesterone level (26.1) and high beta, so this is good. I go back Tuesday for repeat bloodwork to see if my beta numbers have doubled or not. So say some prayers, baby needs them!! 

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thanksgiving to Remember

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! So I'm 15 DPO today and no signs of AF. I POAS this morning, faint positive. I'm cautiously optimistic and not saying anything to my friends outside of my blog. It's too early to say anything, I need blood work to confirm it, plus, it's too early to spill the beans. So if you're my friend on facebook, DON'T SAY ANYTHING ON THERE!!!!

Here's a picture of it.

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Unfairness in the Game of Life

I know I usually post blogs about me and my journey. But I was thinking a lot today about all the babies who are aborted every day because women go out and make decisions that have consequences they weren't ready for. And then there are kids who are born to mothers who aren't married, have multiple kids that they really didn't want, and they aren't given the love or affection they need. It breaks my heart. But life is unfair like that.

I think that's why there are days when this journey seems much harder than anything else in life. I look at all these kids I'm surrounded with on a daily basis and some of them, my heart aches for them. I look at all the teenagers getting pregnant right now and it makes me sad because two lives are affected-their own, as they lose the rest of their childhood, and the child's life, as they are raised by a child. 

Then, there is what seems to be the minority anymore-a woman who wanted her children (regardless of whether she is married or not) and loves them with all her heart. Most people seem to put other priorities in front of their children. I, as a teacher, thank God every day for the moms who put their children first as a priority in life. 

Okay, I just had to clear that out of my head. It's been getting to me lately. All of us infertiles go through so much to start a family. And it just seems unfair that all these women who run around with reckless abandon just end up with babies they don't want. I know my day is coming, all of us will get the opportunity one way or another to be the mom who is in the minority, the one who puts a child's needs first. But I'm getting impatient these days waiting....

Sunday, November 22, 2009

My 2nd ICLW

I realized as I was getting comments about my last post that most people reading this blog this week are visiting for ICLW. So I wanted to give you some background on my journey. I think it may help to understand my posts this week.

So my journey...I married my best friend, the love of my life, my knight in shining armor, August 2, 2003. It's been a great 6+ years. Yes, we've had some rough moments, but everyone has them, life is not easy. We decided before we got married that we needed to wait to TTC. Kids weren't a priority for us at that time. We focused our energy on Hubby finishing his graduate studies and building our marriage. That was important for us. Marriage, no doubt, will change after kids are added to the mix. So we felt we needed to establish our foundation. 

We decided in August 2007 that it was time for kids. So I stopped taking my bcp and we eagerly jumped on the TTC wagon. I had no inkling that it would take so long to even get to the point we are at now, and there still is no baby other than my little fur baby. For some reason, I thought that miraculously, my body would cooperate after going off bcp, even though I was on bcp from 1997 up to that point just to regulate my cycle and keep cysts away. Duh...I should've known. But everyone wants to have a baby without all the medication, the almost daily trips to the RE, the temperature charts, the list could go on and on. Needless to say, it was a mistake. 

My cycle was almost regular for over a year. October 2008, AF came and AF stayed and AF wouldn't leave. AF was a beast. My lining must have built itself up for a few months, even though AF had come up to that point. I thought I was going to end up in the ER and need blood transfusions. My OBGYN called in Provera. After the first round of Provera, AF still didn't go away. I had to do another dose of Provera. That's when the OBGYN wanted me to start temping. It revealed what he already knew but needed documentation-I don't ovulate. 

So I started Clomid, 50mg. No ovulation. Another round of Provera. Started 100mg of Clomid. I ovulated for two cycles but didn't get pregnant. The third cycle on 100mg, I didn't ovulate again. He sent me out to the RE. 

The RE is amazing. We had our first consult in June of this year. His first comment to me was "What took you so long to come in here? Don't you know that you have PCOS and most likely will not conceive without ART?" "ART? What is ART?" Assisted Reproduction Technology/Therapy. So I did another round of 100mg of Clomid, but he added Ovidrel to my routine. Yay, finally a strong ovulation. I did three more Clomid cycles after that, all with trigger and IUI. No babies...after my last Clomid cycle, one of my follicles didn't release. And low and behold, it became a cyst. 

I had to take a month off with bcp. I was devasted, to say the least. That was October. I was supposed to start injectables that cycle. But it's good I didn't. The RE has discovered that I have a diminished number of eggs. So my protocol is the same as if I were going to do IVF. It's been a rough journey to get this point, but now I'm in my 2ww from my first injectables cycle. 

That's my story. It brings you all up to date. Thanksgiving is AF's arrival day and the day I POAS if she isn't here. So fingers crossed, say some prayers!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Time is Moving Slowly

I feel like this 2ww is moving sooooo slowly. It's taking forever just to get to Thanksgiving. I'm testing then, if AF doesn't show up right on time. I guess we'll see. I'm still not feeling anything different...I've got the sore boobs, the emotional sensitivity, and all that good stuff. But that all started when I started the Endometrin. All that progesterone pumping through my body is making me crazy. Ugh...come on Turkey Day! I want to know all ready, the wait is starting to drive me crazy. Not that I'm one to get myself all excited, like I said, I'm not feeling anything different. I don't overanalyze symptoms. I think you just leave yourself open for disappointment. So I'm just trying to wait...I know that AF will be UGLY this cycle because I have a very plump and full uterine lining, thanks progesterone! So I guess it's just more of the same waiting game as I've gone through for how many months now??

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

All Things Good

I had my 7 DPO checkup today at the RE. Everything looks good. Doctor informed me that I still have two ovaries (whew, good thing!). He measured them to make sure there was no enlargement. I don't remember the exact measurements, but he said they were perfect. My uterine lining is 10.1. I'm so excited about that, since last week, it was 7.5. Much improved!! So the doctor was pleased with the checkup today. Oh, and my ovaries are very quiet, which means I ovulated ALL of my eggs, which at last count last Monday was 4 eggs. So maybe, just maybe one of them will take. . .

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Let the Waiting Game Begin!

I had my IUI this morning. Although I had to wait a lot longer than usual (something weird must have been going on in the office), all went well. I was supposed to have the nurse practitioner do the IUI. But then the doctor's assistant came in to tell me I would have one of the lady doctors. Okay, fine, just get it over with already! It's a time sensitive matter, you know? You're talking about live swimmers, separated from all the other junk they go with, and they have a short life span! 

So anyway, I waited probably no more than 15 minutes, but I swear it felt like an eternity. Nothing makes time go by slower than sitting on an exam table getting a cold draft on your hind side because the paper blanket doesn't go all the way around. That was my morning. I spent an hour and a half total at the office. But it was worth it. The IUI was the most comfortable one yet. Not even as uncomfortable as an annual exam. And no uterine cramping during the procedure. 

I've had cramping off and on all day now, but that's normal for ovulation. Now, it's just a waiting game. I go back in a week for bloodwork and another ultrasound. Because I did an injectables cycle, they do the luteal check up and measure the lining of my uterus. No complaints. I'm just glad to be in the two-week-wait already. 

Keep the prayers coming, they are amazing. Not only have they worked to make the days of the injections short, but they are also helping me keep peace in my heart. Now, let's see how patient I can be during this waiting time.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Trigger Happy

I had my ultrasound and more bloodwork this morning. My follicles are ready to go! I triggered tonight. Wednesday is my IUI. And then it's just a waiting game. It's funny, I had three very mature follicles and one very close to that point (20x18, 18x17, 18x17, and 16x15). I am still so surprised at how quickly all this happened. I mean, it's only day eight of my new cycle. And I triggered tonight! Seems a bit early, but I'm thankful that this cycle went quickly. It's been a whirlwind month, that's for sure! October 7th, I started the bcp. I really didn't think I would be having an IUI this quickly into an injectables cycle. Say some prayers, I start the Endometrin on Wednesday and I don't have a clue how to use that torture device.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Since When Are My Ovaries "Honor's Students?"

Last cycle, my ovaries received a big fat "F" on their test. A canceled cycle is like a failed test. And my ovaries did a good job failing. Not this cycle. They keep coming up with excellent marks. Today, CD 6, I had another ultrasound and bloodwork. My protocol for meds changed. My Follistim stayed the same, 75iu. But now, the Menopur (the one made by the Devil) has been upped to 150iu. I also have to start with Ganirelix to make sure those follicles don't go anywhere. At CD 6, I have 4 maturing follicles, the biggest one 15x12 and the other three all 14x11. Wow!! No failing grades this cycle. Four follicles is a good number. It isn't too many. We'll see how that goes. I go again on Monday for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm sure my IUI will be mid-week this coming week. My follicles are growing fast!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Menopur is of the Devil

I started my first cycle of injectables last night. The needles themselves. . .not too bad. The Follistim overall is not bad at all. I really didn't feel it. It left an ugly mark behind it because it bled. But it didn't hurt at all. The Menopur, however, is of the Devil. I can't express that enough. The needle didn't hurt, went right in, no problem. But gosh, the solution burned, stung, can't even describe it fully, as it went in. I wasn't prepared for it. I was yelling things like "Owww!!" and "Good grief!!!" Hubby got a little concerned and asked if I was okay. There was a lot of "owws" and "good griefs" coming from the bathroom. I wonder if it gets easier to deal with the more you do it. . .I hope I don't have too many nights of this. I already had follicles growing, so maybe it won't take too long to rev up my ovaries, get some good follicles, and get on with this cycle. 

I'm hating my ovaries right now. The Menopur addition to the cycle is all their fault. They just can't cooperate or behave. It makes me nuts. Someone asked me why I was on Menopur+Follistim. Follistim is usually the first injectable after a Clomid cycle because it is less intense than others. But with a high FSH level and the RE concerned about my number of eggs being less than normal, he wants to get lots of follicles growing. I know it will be all worth it, but I wish the Devil wouldn't have had a hand in creating such an evil fertility medicine. That's the only way I can convey how much it hurt last night to inject the solution into my body.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Sigh of Relief

I had my appointment for baselines today. I didn't know that I should have gone in on CD 2 because my FSH is higher than normal. They didn't tell me that last cycle when they realized that my FSH was higher than normal. Anyway, I went in for my u/s and I already have follicles that are measurable. In my mind, this isn't normal. So I panicked right away thinking that I had more than one cyst. But I was assured by the RE who did the u/s that everything looked normal and quite good in her opinion. So everything hinged on my bloodwork, which was very ugly last cycle. 

I was on my way home from the RE's office and I just had this sinking feeling that I would be in a forced month off of TTC again. I told Hubby that I was a hot mess and really, it was for no apparent reason. I didn't know what the bloodwork would show, I just was sick to my stomach about it. So I came home and cried. I was just so negative about it.

The RE's office called and I know their number by heart, so I knew it was them. I got nervous until the nurse who called informed me that everything is GREAT!! So I start Menpur and Follistim tonight. Things are so good that I am only doing 75iu Follistim and 1 vial of Menopur to start. Last cycle, it was a different story. So I'm so relieved. 

I know I have been bathed in prayer and I am thankful for the prayer warriors who know how important this journey is for me. Prayer is such a powerful thing. I'm excited to see where this next step on the journey takes me.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Today is a New Day

Dearest Aunt Flow decided to visit today. It's about time she got here. She's been standing at the door for like 3 days now but just wasn't ready for a visit. How annoying! Everything is run on her time. 

Anyway. I made my appointment for baselines. I go in Thursday morning. Hopefully, that lovely cyst has run its course and is out of my body. It's on to injectables, big time. Part of me is worried that I'll have to do another cycle of bcp. I'm worried about my estrogen levels. But I'm really worried about my FSH levels. They were high last time and high estrogen is supposed to suppress estrogen levels. Ugh...I guess only time will tell what lies in waiting. 

I have a fresh look on it all. Today is a new day. Today starts a fresh cycle. If my bloodwork and ultrasound are no good, I'll do another cycle of bcp. It's okay, I have to have peace about whatever my body brings my way. In the meantime, I have a huge box full of medication plus more meds in the fridge just waiting to be used. And I have an egg somewhere in my ovaries just waiting to turn into a darling baby. 

I gave my ovaries a pep talk this morning. I had to make sure they were on the same page as I was. They are the boss of my cycle and they need to know what the proper directions are. Plus, I may as well coach them on how to behave. They've been misbehaving since the beginning of it all. It's time they get themselves under control! We'll see if they can behave on Thursday.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Waiting for a New Cycle

I finished my bcp yesterday. I can't even express how glad I am to be done with those awful things. I was on bcp for ten long years, but not this particular brand. I'm hoping they did their job, though. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I picked up my medications today, since I had them shipped to the doctor. I already have my Follistim and Ovidrel sitting in the fridge. Now, I have a box full of needles! I looked in the box and my first thought was, "Wow, that really is a lot of needles." But I'm not dreading it, just nervous about it. I'm hoping AF will come tomorrow and that I can get baselines on Saturday. I'd hate to get baselines on Monday, I really don't want to miss more work. But, it would be baselines and medication instructions/training. So I can't miss that. My fingers are crossed that AF comes tomorrow and that when I go in for baselines, they will be good. Say some prayers for me!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Ovaries are Trying to Break Free!

I swear my ovaries are in revolt. I have had cramps since I started with resting cycle with the birth control pills. Some days, I think my ovaries want to just jump out of my body. One more week of this, then hopefully, I can start the injectables. I hope I like needles, I have 4 different shots I'll be giving myself! So as long as my ovaries can stick it out for one more week and not jump out of my body, we should be in the business of egg-making again.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Needles Will Be My Friends

I had yet another consultation with the RE this morning. It wasn't the RE I usually see, but I can't be picky and choosy right now. this month of a resting cycle is making me nuts. I hate the birth control pills. They make me feel yucky. And yet, I realize that compared to what is looming ahead, I should be enjoying this. 

So what is this black cloud looming ahead?? I'm going to be sticking myself with not one needle a night, but two for the first few days. And then, not one, not two, but three needles for a few days. And then, not one, not two, not three, but four in all for the cycle! Yes, folks, my thighs will officially be pincushions big time. I already have the Follistim, which I'll be doing every night after baselines. But add to that Menopur, which I'll also be doing every night after baselines. Then, once my eggs are developing, I'll have to do Ganirelix every night until my eggs are ready. Then, I'll do the usual Ovidrel trigger. Wow! That's a lot to work with. Lucky for me, Follistim is a pen-type needle where you dial a dose. Ganirelix and Ovidrel are pre-filled syringes. The only one I'm worried about is Menopur, which I have to mix myself. 

I look at it this way. If this is what will get me to the family I so desperately want to start, I'll take it. We're all faced with challenges and trials in life, but nothing is beyond what we can handle. I know that I am in God's care and that He is overseeing every decision the doctors will ever make for me. I put my trust in Him and the plans He has made for me. So as nervous as I am about all these shots that I now have to do, I know I am loved, I am cared for, and He walks beside me through it all.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Hate This One Month Break

So I feel miserable. I absolutely hate this forced break. I've been very irritable lately and poor DH has to put up with me. These birth control pills are the pits. I forgot what it was like to be on them and I am not about to get reused to it. The end of this cycle can't come fast enough for me. I keep having to rationalize it with myself. I am still a bit upset about being on this break in the first place. But I know that if it gives my RE more insight on how to deal with my PCOS and help me conceive, it qill be worth it. 

But as for this month, I'm just hanging in there. My face is all broken out again, which I'm so mad about. I finally felt like I had managed my facial breakouts. Everything was going fine and well until I started on this month of birth control pills. Ugh...not to mention the crampiness off and on all day and the bloated feeling. 

I have my consult on Friday with the RE to re-evaluate what to do now. I'm hoping they have a solution for me. But I guess we'll have to wait an see what that appointment brings. In the meantime, I will suffer through this month off from TTC. Seven days down, including today. 14 to go.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Bump in the Road

I've been a little discouraged since Wednesday's forced one month break from TTC. It is only a month, actually, 3 weeks. I'm not sure how it works with being on the pill. I don't even know what to consider CD 1. So I'll have to ask the doctor at the consult on Friday morning. I can't even begin to tell you about the thoughts that creep through my mind. I have to keep telling my mind to turn it off for a little while. Stress and anxiety won't get me a baby any more than the luck I've had so far. And as you can tell by my childless, empty womb, I've had NO luck. 

But it's not about luck, it's about God telling me that I need to stop, slow down, take a break. I have great friends who are getting me through the rough patch. They remind me that my body can't be a machine, it needs a small rest. I have a very dear friend who reminds me that I'm not the one in control of my life. And the more I try to control it, the more bumps in the road will appear because I shouldn't have control of my life. God is in control and needs to be. I'm thankful for great friends who are carrying me through the emotional journey.

Tomorrow, a good friend of mine is getting married. I'm so excited for her. But secretly, I was hoping that I would be sporting a happy baby belly at her wedding. It's not to be. Sadly, I'm sporting a lovely month off from TTC. Hmmm...not as spectacular or fabulous of a story, huh? But that's life. And I'm going to get to spend the day with DH and some of the best girls there could ever be. Of course, a few of my closest girl friends won't be there, but I still love them just the same! 

I'm thankful for being surrounded by people who can empathize even if they've never been in my shoes. They offer me so much encouragement and love. It's one of those warm and fuzzy feelings to know that when life throws you some sour lemons, the greatest of friends are there waiting with sugar (or Splenda) to sweeten things up.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


So I am just the picture of complete brokenness today. I had my CD 4 baseline appointment today. My ultrasound showed that I have a relatively small cyst on one of my ovaries. Problem is that it is yielding ridiculous amounts of estrogen. My estrogen was beyond 250 today. Not good, since they want it between like 25 and 75 or something. Add to that my FSH level, which has never been tested, was 13.5. That means my ovaries are working too hard to produce follicles. So...I'm on a mandatory break from TTC for one month. I had to talk my doctor into giving my bcp for the month. But I don't ovulate...so taking a one month break is okay, but give me something to take to keep it one month and not two months of a break! So that's my life, that's where I'm at right now. I have an appointment on the 16th with a different doctor from my office, but I didn't want to wait until the 30th or something to meet with my doctor. I want them to figure out what is wrong with me and fix me!! Like I said in my last post, I need to be returned to the "Future Mommy" store and labeled "Broken." So these doctors need to fix me, as they are the ones at the returns counter.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Feeling Broken

So I feel very broken today, like a toy that was purchased for a child and when they went to play with it, it was already broken. That's me, the broken toy. 

I've tried so hard for over two years to always be strong in the face of infertility, but sometimes, the weight of it all is too heavy. Tomorrow, I start a new chapter in this journey, I start injectables. My doctor is positive that this will work for me. I trust Dr. V, I really do, but I guess there's a part of me that feels like this is never going to happen.

I'm thankful that I serve a God who would never give me more than I could handle. I know that there are many lessons that He is teaching me throughout this journey. But nonetheless, it is still emotionally trying. Today is one of my "blah" days. I just feel like I should be returned to the "Future Mommy" store and labeled "Broken." Ugh...just one of those days. These feelings will pass on by, I know that, but while they last, it sure isn't fun!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

My Life as a Pincushion

Well, AF decided to come this morning even though she certainly was not invited. So that means I start Follistim this week. I called the pharmacy yesterday to order it and the doctor's office hadn't even called it in. It makes me annoyed because my doctor asked me if I wanted to order it early just to be safe and I said yes. But the nursing and office staff never called it in. So...the doctor's office was closed yesterday when the pharmacy called them, so I have to wait until tomorrow to order it. So they're going to ship it same day delivery to my doctor's office. I need it for Tuesday because I have to go in for CD 3 baseline data. I'm supposed to have my medication with me so that they can show me how to use it. 

So it's official. I am going to become a human pincushion. I must admit that I am not ready for that. I was secretly hoping that this was it for me, that the last Clomid cycle did the trick. Nope, it wasn't to be. So now we move on to injectables + trigger. I have no idea what side effects to expect, what mood changes to expect...DH just got used to the Clomid and how he has to get used to a different drug. Who knows how the levels of hormones will affect me. I'll keep you all posted as I take on the job of being a human pincushion.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

In Limbo

So I'm in limbo right now. I'm just sort of waiting to see what's going to happen this weekend. Today is officially CD 28 and my temps dropped a bit this morning, but not to pre-O temps, not even below my coverline on Fertility Friend. Here is a link to my Chart so that you can check it out. I don't know what the expect. That's where my title for this post comes in. I'm in limbo! 

It's one of those times in life where no matter what result I get this weekend, thigngs are going to change. If I get a BFP, I can cautiously celebrate reaching the goal I've had for two years. But if I get AF, I know that I start my life as the human pincushion (as someone else very descriptively put it). I mean, really, the only good thing is that I wouldn't be one of those old, beat up, raggedy pincushions. I'd consider myself one of those decorative ones you can get an Joann Fabric, you know, the ones that cost more money because they aren't so plain. 

I'm not feeling anything right now. No PMS signs, no anythings. So I don't even know what to expect. I'm not very optimistic, but then again, I have nothing to go on. I've never had a BFP, not even once. I've been content just to know that with the Clomid+Ovidrel, I've been able to O every month instead of taking Provera. But I'm just not very positive or hopeful this cycle. It's not up to me, it's not in my hands, and I know that. But I'm just going to have to wait and see if AF comes to town this cycle or not.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Not Very Hopeful

I'm getting so impatient waiting this cycle. I'm not extremely optimistic so far. Two more days to wait for AF. If she's on time, she'll come on Sunday. So...I'm just waiting. I haven't felt the best today. I've been oddly cold. I've been hot for what seems like forever. I swear I've been hot the entire time that I've been on Clomid. Yes, all 8 cycles of it. I swear it's like one never-ending hot flash. But today, I've had goosebumps a few times and just been cold. I've also been extremely over-emotional. DH and I watched Tuesday night's "The Biggest Loser" and I cried through the whole show. Granted, this one was chock full of so much raw emotion, I couldn't handle it tonight! I'm wondering if I'm getting sick or something, yet another thing to look forward to...not!

Anyway...I'm just not feeling like this is my cycle. I'm expecting AF to show up right on time. And then, I'll move on to injectables, which I've been afraid of for a while. But I've come to accept that if that is God's plan for me, I will follow the path He has laid out for me. It may not be the path I would want to go down. The path I wanted to go down would have yielded a child over two years ago. But it's not about my plan, my goal, my anything. I keep reminding myself of that.

I'll try not to be hopeless in the last two days of my 2ww. I know that my hope is in Christ and He knows what will happen. I'll keep you posted as the weekend approaches!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hoping for a BFP

So I left my RE's office today feeling a bit relieved and yet nervous. On a positive note, they weighed me and I haven't really gained any weight on Clomid. And since I've been on it for 8 cycles, that's a good thing. But my blood pressure was high today. I struggle as it is with high blood pressure and take medication to keep it regulated. But it was high, surely because of nerves. I get very anxious when I have to go to see any doctor. 

Anyway, we discussed the Clomid and having 3 follicles this past cycle. Apparently, my progesterone has been super each cycle with the exception of one cycle where it was still high, but not what they wanted, so they had to increase my Clomid. So the Clomid with Ovidrel has been working for me. But after 8 months, it's time to move on. I think he is going to try to order the Follistim pen. If I have to do the daily injectables, that would start next week. I'm still waiting to see what this weekend brings. The RE's office is going to order the Follistim (or whatever my insurance will cover, but I'm sure they'll cover the Follistim) today. Even though I won't know until this weekend about being pregnant or not, I'd rather have my medicine just in case. They have a donation program at the RE's office for unused fertility injectables. They use those for people who have no insurance coverage for them. So I can always donate them if I don't need them. We'll see...not holding my breath, though.

I'm hoping so much for a BFP. If I can avoid daily injectables, I would love to. He did say that the percentage of conceiving will go up if I move to injectables. But the percentage of twins and triplets also increases. Ugh...fingers crossed for no AF this weekend. Take a vacation, AF, and come back next year.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Consult With the Doctor

So tomorrow is my "Next Step" consult with Dr. VanDeerlin. I'm not excited to discuss daily injectables. But I am ready to take the next step if this weekend reveals another busted cycle. I guess I've had to come to terms with the reality that conceiving a child is not easy as pie for someone in my shoes. It helps that I have a doctor who does care about the emotional aspect of infertility. He has always been very encouraging and positive. 

A small part of me regrets not going to see the RE sooner. I thought everything was going great on its own, why would I need to see a specialist? AF came every month for over a year. I thought I was finally "normal," "cured." HA! There is no cure for PCOS. I wish I had gone sooner and reached the silver lining earlier, that silver lining that I am still trying to reach. Then, I keep reminding myself that regrets are silly. I should regret nothing, as my life's events are already planned by God before I get there. He's weaving a beautiful tapestry of my life, even though all I see is the ugly underneath with all the twisted, tangled, and mangled threads. 

Anyway, I'll post after my doctor consult tomorrow. We'll see what he thinks the next step should be. I can't imagine we would jump right in to IVF. Fingers crossed that he suggests daily injectables, which he has talked about a few times.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


So I got up this morning in a rotten mood. No reason why, just in a rotten mood. My Hubby is great, he is one of the most patient men there could ever be. He deserves a medal of honor or something. I know he wants a baby badly. And I know that it pains him to see me struggling with PCOS. It's been hard being on the fertility meds for eight months now. But he's so good to me. I try not to be rotten towards him when I'm in a rotten mood. So I forewarned him this morning.

Anyway, it's been a weird weekend for me. Yesterday, I was a wee bit nauseous and I think I may be fighting some germs from the kids at school. Although, I would love to hope it was something else, I'm not going to get my hopes up this early. I'm only at CD 22. It's a bit early to worry, stress, or get all excited. So I'd rather just think it has to do with germs. 

The sermon in church was very powerful this morning. My pastor at Fellowship Baptist Church (NJ) has been preaching what is nicknamed "The Coffee House Series." Basically, it's real world issues and questions that he has been asked that he feels he needs to preach about. Today, it was about how a supposed good God can allow suffering in the world. Although I don't consider myself to be suffering, I certainly consider myself to be on a difficult journey! So it was good to be reminded that I serve a loving God. I was reminded that God intends struggles and difficult moments for our benefit. It is teaching me patience, that is for sure. I'm generally an impatient person with life's events (I'm very patient with people, as that comes much easier to me). 

I'm getting increasingly impatient as I wait for next weekend. AF should be here by the end of next weekend and I'm nervous to see if she comes or if maybe she's taking a 9 month vacation. Wouldn't that be nice! I guess we'll all have to wait and see.

For now, I'm going to go and drink another cup of coffee and perhaps, rid myself of the rotten mood that I'm still in. 

Friday, September 25, 2009

More waiting

So I had my progesterone blood work done today, like I do every month. I was so annoyed when I got to the office to check in and it turns out that last Thursday night, they didn't make my appointment even though they said they did. So now I'm hoping there won't be an issue with billing since the bloodwork wasn't preapproved. Ugh. It's so annoying. As if it isn't inconvenient enough to leave home a half hour early to get to the office before they open. And then to get in there and have to wait until my chart was pulled because they forgot to put me in the system.  .  .double ugh. Anyway, at least they found my veins this time. Last cycle, when I had my progesterone blood work done, they poked my three times (one in the left arm and two in the right arm) and I still wouldn't bleed. They ended up and put it in my hand. So at least they found my vein today the first time. 

I'm nervous about the end of this cycle. I guess this is one of those increasing important cycles. I realize that if I get another Big Fat Negative, this is mostly likely the point at which I move on to daily injectables. I have so many worries about that. I don't like needles at all. Not a fan of them, and really not a fan of giving myself shots. But I guess if that's what I have to do to get a baby...I have a consultation with Dr. VanDeerlin at South Jersey Fertility Center. I've been seeing him as my RE since June. I won't know at the time of the consult how the rest of this cycle will pan out. I still have a few days after the Wednesday (September 30) consult before the end of my cycle. So I guess we'll have to wait and see. It's all a waiting game and I'm just tired of waiting. I'm getting impatient! 

At least my Clomid side effects and Ovidrel side effects have faded except for the hot flashes. The hot flashes seem to never go away. I guess I've learned to deal with them. My Hubby bought me a bedside fan over the summer because he was so annoyed with how cold the air conditioner was. I feel like a menopausal woman! Oh, I can't wait for these hot flashes to finally leave.

Anyway, I got some things to do. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

In the Waiting

The one thing I hate the most with the fertility treatments is the waiting. I'm in the 2-week waiting period. It's a terrible time. You wait for what will come at the end of the month. I can't get my hopes up, I mean, it's been over two years with nothing. But I so want to make it to the end of the month and know that I don't have to wait anymore. But I have learned not to expect that, but rather to hope for it. I can't allow myself to get so excited about the unknown. It just leaves the door open for heartbreak and disappointment. 

You know, the one thing that keeps me strong on this journey is my faith. I quoted a very inspiring song in one of my letters to my unconceived child. The lyrics are from "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. They go like this: "I will praise you in this storm. I will lift my hands. For you are who you are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You've never left my side, though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." Powerful words! I hate to look at this as though it is a storm, but it is a difficult journey, nonetheless. So that song really helps me keep the right perspective.

So I'm worried about possibly moving on to daily injectables. I have a consult with my doctor in the morning of the 30th. It's just before the end of this cycle, so I won't know whether or not I need to start the injectables. But because it is the next step, it requires that I sit down with the doctor and discuss what his plans are and what medications are available. And if I move on to daily injectables, I'll be at the doctor's office so many days a month! I'm not looking forward to that. But, the end result is one I want, so I will do what it takes!

As frustrating as the journey is, I keep going. I am blessed with a husband who is patient with me. He wants a baby and he knows that I want one so badly. But he's always so patient with my ill-behaved ovaries. I don't know many men who would be as kind as he is when I'm having my Clomid emotional meltdowns. I don't yell or scream, I just cry. He looks at me, I cry. He says sweet things to me, I cry. He talks to me in a not-so-nice tone of voice, I cry. He hugs me, I cry. And yet, he just deals with it and loves on me. How did I get so blessed? It makes the journey easier when you have someone like Phil by your side.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Where to Begin?

Where do I begin...Phil and I decided over two years ago, August 2007, that we should start to try for a family of our own. We prayed hard about this decision, since we didn't want to enter into it without it being in God's plans. So I went off birth control pills after ten longs years of being on them to regulate my cycles. Although the birth control aspect was nice when we weren't trying to conceive, that was never why I was on them. So I stopped taking them but didn't inform my OBGYN right away that we were TTC. I didn't really think it was necessary. Rewind to 1997 when I first had issues with irregular cycles, I should have After all, known to see a doctor right away, but I thought I could do it. Women get pregnant all the time naturally, without doctor's help, and without medication. 

Fast forward to October and November 2008. My cycle had seemed mostly regular from going off the birth control. My OBGYN knew, by this point, that we were TTC. I was already on prenatal vitamins, but my doctor never offered anything to guide us along. So at the end of October, my period came and come November, it hadn't gone away. Instead, it got ugly and hostile. I won't go into details other than to say that I was ready to drive myself to the Emergency Room for blood transfusions. I was scared to death. Something was really wrong with me! 

So that started the more proactive course in this journey. I went to see my OBGYN and was started on a round of Provera. Well, that did it's work but then my period again didn't go away. So I did another round of Provera. I also had to start keeping a Basal Body Temperature chart. This is very unfun and quite annoying, as you have to take your temperature at the same time every single day. Holiday? Doesn't matter. Weekend? Doesn't matter! Vacation? Still doesn't matter. So anyway, my first month charting, I apparently didn't ovulate. Why? We'll get to that later. Anyway, that was the start of the intense journey I'm on now.

My doctor instantly started me on another round of Provera and then started me on the Clomid at 50mg. Guess what...it did nothing! Another month without any ovulation. My body is broken. It was a very frustrating realization for me! So after that, I started on 100mg of Clomid. I stayed with my OBGYN for 3 cycles of 100mg. I ovulated on two but not on the third. So he referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Fertility Specialist). Don't you know that at my first consultation, the doctor proceeded to inform me that I have Policystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). And then came the question. "Why did it take you so long to come to this office?" 

Needless to say, I'm still taking Clomid. The RE added an hcg trigger shot, Ovidrel, to the routine. All these drugs just so I can mature eggs and release them! So I spend at least 3 days a month at the RE's office getting ultrasounds, Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI), and bloodwork. Oh, the good times! So this is my last cycle, I think, before moving on to daily injections. I'll keep you all posted with my thoughts, my struggles, and all the good and bad times that will come of this.