Hand In Hand

Hand In Hand

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Reflections in the Storm

It's been almost a year of trying for a second child. When we made the choice a year ago to try to conceive a second child, we never dreamed it would be as much of a roller coaster as it has been. Infertility is such a difficult journey. Nothing about it is easy. For us, it's been one downhill free fall after another. Over the course of ten months, we had attempted only four injectable cycles. It's taken that many months to just do the four cycles. But each one has been a failure. This latest one is the one that makes me sad the most. I'm not sad because I can't have any more children. We do have other options. I'm sad that I can't have another child from my own DNA, sad that my body has failed to give my husband the big family he always wanted, and sad that my daughter has to wait longer to have a best friend who happens to live with her, too. Being premenopausal, there isn't much I can do about this. My eggs are just stale. 

At the same time as I am sad, I also have hope. I am not devastated. It is not the end of my world. My marriage is not suffering because of this. We have placed our hope and trust in Christ and He is preparing our journey for us. He has plans for us to be parents again, in some way or another, somewhere down the road. I just have to hold the hand of the one who knows my path and hold the hand of the partner, best friend, husband God has blessed me with. Yes, there is hope. God does not have plans to harm me. His plans are for me to grow in my love for Him, learning to lean on Him when I  can't do it on my own. God is my refuge, my friend, and my hope. He allows my heart to be sad, but He also gives me the strength to carry on and keep going. 

So where does this leave me? This leaves me in the place where in order to have more children, we either need to adopt or we need to use donor eggs in an IVF cycle. In God's unbelievable way of reminding us that He loves us, he placed us and our need on the hearts of two different women who know nothing of each other. That is the power of prayer at work. I feel blessed beyond measure because these two women saw my need and stepped out in faith. We have our first consultation for donor eggs on Tuesday. 

We will see what God has in store for us after this meeting. But after seeing His hand in all of the events of this past year, I know He has something in store for me, I just have to have patience. My heart will again be filled with the hope that comes with knowing God is at work in my life. I will enjoy my daughter, the miracle that will soon be 3 years old. I will enjoy my husband, who never gets upset with the things we can't control and handles this infertility journey with hope, patience, and encouragement for me when I am weary. And I will enjoy the life that God has given me.