Hand In Hand

Hand In Hand

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

More Reflections on Motherhood and the Journey to Get Here

A friend of mine texted me over the weekend and asked about what was specifically not working right with my body that caused my difficulty conceiving. It got me thinking about the journey I went on to get here. Times like that can cause me to reflect on how I feel about things like that. So I thought I would share some reflections I had and then some of my reflections on Motherhood. So, thoughts about the journey...

It's hard. Nobody said it was easy. Nobody thinks it's easy. It's emotionally hard. It's physically hard. It's mentally hard. It can be spiritually hard. But, for as hard as it was, I don't regret a single step in that journey. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant the end result was another beautiful child like Isabella.

I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. Yes, I said I would do it again in a heartbeat. But I have the end result to hold in my arms, to snuggle with, to kiss goodnight. Not everyone does. And it's so draining. It can be hard on a marriage. It can be hard on friendships. I wouldn't want anyone to ever go through what I went through to get Isabella. And the reality is that a lot of women go through much more to get their beautiful miracles and I'm sure that knowing the end result, they would do it again in a heartbeat, too.

Part of me is scared to go through it all again in a few years. Hubby and I have decided to wait until 2012 to start with fertility treatments again. And although the idea of a second child is exciting, I'm so nervous and scared of the journey to get there. Silly, maybe, but it's the truth! All those thoughts go through your head like "What if it doesn't happen this time around?" and "What if all my hormonal issues have multiplied and are worse?" All thoughts I have no right to be thinking, since I'm not even thinking about conceiving that child until a year from this coming fall. But the thoughts are still there...

And then, some reflections on Motherhood.

Before being a Mom, I thought I knew how much I could love another human being. I love my parents, I love my husband, I love my siblings. But nothing prepares your heart for the overflowing love you feel as a Mother. My mom told me there was no love like that of a mother. But you just don't understand until you are one yourself. I looked at Isabella as she slept in my arms tonight ad said to Hubby, "Did you ever think you could love such a small, delicate being as much as you do?" It just amazes me how much I love my little baby girl.

Time does not march on. It zips on past. No marching band can march as quickly as time seems to go by. I miss those first few months. I saw a little boy at the allergist tonight and it made my heart a little sad because I feel like that was already forever ago. Every stage and milestone is hit so quickly and time zips on past. First, it's cereal. Then, it's baby food. Then, it's the teething. Then, it's more solid foods, crawling, and practice walking. It's the talking, the waving bye-byes, and already forming personality. Time just goes by too quickly.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Reflections before Mother's Day Arrives

I was thinking to myself today how strange it is to actually be celebrating Mother's Day as a mother. And then, I was taken back to a time when I bitterly sat in church in Mother's Day and watched as all the kids would go and get a flower to give to their moms. And there I would sit, no child to bring me a flower. I remember all those emotions and I know that some of you who read this blog are feeling those very emotions right now. Mother's Day is a holiday that is so hard for the woman fully engrossed in the infertility world. It's so hard to watch as your friends, your family, and your blogger friends celebrate such a special, enchanted day. It's one of those holidays that the woman who is battling infertility would rather sleep through and not have to deal with. I've been there and even though I have a child, I can't help but remember how that felt. 

Life is so different now for me. I'm hosting Mother's Day lunch tomorrow for my parents and it's my first official Mother's Day as a mother! It's very surreal, almost like a dream, to think that I have a daughter, I am a mother, this holiday is now for me, too. It's exciting to realize that nine months in, nobody has pinched me to wake me up from this beautiful dream. But I guess that's because it's not a dream. Indeed, my reality of being a Mother to the most beautiful little girl I could have ever dreamed of is a wonderful reality. I am a Mother. Me. A Mom. I still have to repeat that to myself. It's so strange to think about it! 

Happy early Mother's Day to all the moms reading this, both young and old, both moms to human babies and moms to furry babies. Mother's Day is celebrated once a year, but we're moms all year long!