Hand In Hand

Hand In Hand

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hoping for a BFP

So I left my RE's office today feeling a bit relieved and yet nervous. On a positive note, they weighed me and I haven't really gained any weight on Clomid. And since I've been on it for 8 cycles, that's a good thing. But my blood pressure was high today. I struggle as it is with high blood pressure and take medication to keep it regulated. But it was high, surely because of nerves. I get very anxious when I have to go to see any doctor. 

Anyway, we discussed the Clomid and having 3 follicles this past cycle. Apparently, my progesterone has been super each cycle with the exception of one cycle where it was still high, but not what they wanted, so they had to increase my Clomid. So the Clomid with Ovidrel has been working for me. But after 8 months, it's time to move on. I think he is going to try to order the Follistim pen. If I have to do the daily injectables, that would start next week. I'm still waiting to see what this weekend brings. The RE's office is going to order the Follistim (or whatever my insurance will cover, but I'm sure they'll cover the Follistim) today. Even though I won't know until this weekend about being pregnant or not, I'd rather have my medicine just in case. They have a donation program at the RE's office for unused fertility injectables. They use those for people who have no insurance coverage for them. So I can always donate them if I don't need them. We'll see...not holding my breath, though.

I'm hoping so much for a BFP. If I can avoid daily injectables, I would love to. He did say that the percentage of conceiving will go up if I move to injectables. But the percentage of twins and triplets also increases. Ugh...fingers crossed for no AF this weekend. Take a vacation, AF, and come back next year.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Consult With the Doctor

So tomorrow is my "Next Step" consult with Dr. VanDeerlin. I'm not excited to discuss daily injectables. But I am ready to take the next step if this weekend reveals another busted cycle. I guess I've had to come to terms with the reality that conceiving a child is not easy as pie for someone in my shoes. It helps that I have a doctor who does care about the emotional aspect of infertility. He has always been very encouraging and positive. 

A small part of me regrets not going to see the RE sooner. I thought everything was going great on its own, why would I need to see a specialist? AF came every month for over a year. I thought I was finally "normal," "cured." HA! There is no cure for PCOS. I wish I had gone sooner and reached the silver lining earlier, that silver lining that I am still trying to reach. Then, I keep reminding myself that regrets are silly. I should regret nothing, as my life's events are already planned by God before I get there. He's weaving a beautiful tapestry of my life, even though all I see is the ugly underneath with all the twisted, tangled, and mangled threads. 

Anyway, I'll post after my doctor consult tomorrow. We'll see what he thinks the next step should be. I can't imagine we would jump right in to IVF. Fingers crossed that he suggests daily injectables, which he has talked about a few times.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


So I got up this morning in a rotten mood. No reason why, just in a rotten mood. My Hubby is great, he is one of the most patient men there could ever be. He deserves a medal of honor or something. I know he wants a baby badly. And I know that it pains him to see me struggling with PCOS. It's been hard being on the fertility meds for eight months now. But he's so good to me. I try not to be rotten towards him when I'm in a rotten mood. So I forewarned him this morning.

Anyway, it's been a weird weekend for me. Yesterday, I was a wee bit nauseous and I think I may be fighting some germs from the kids at school. Although, I would love to hope it was something else, I'm not going to get my hopes up this early. I'm only at CD 22. It's a bit early to worry, stress, or get all excited. So I'd rather just think it has to do with germs. 

The sermon in church was very powerful this morning. My pastor at Fellowship Baptist Church (NJ) has been preaching what is nicknamed "The Coffee House Series." Basically, it's real world issues and questions that he has been asked that he feels he needs to preach about. Today, it was about how a supposed good God can allow suffering in the world. Although I don't consider myself to be suffering, I certainly consider myself to be on a difficult journey! So it was good to be reminded that I serve a loving God. I was reminded that God intends struggles and difficult moments for our benefit. It is teaching me patience, that is for sure. I'm generally an impatient person with life's events (I'm very patient with people, as that comes much easier to me). 

I'm getting increasingly impatient as I wait for next weekend. AF should be here by the end of next weekend and I'm nervous to see if she comes or if maybe she's taking a 9 month vacation. Wouldn't that be nice! I guess we'll all have to wait and see.

For now, I'm going to go and drink another cup of coffee and perhaps, rid myself of the rotten mood that I'm still in. 

Friday, September 25, 2009

More waiting

So I had my progesterone blood work done today, like I do every month. I was so annoyed when I got to the office to check in and it turns out that last Thursday night, they didn't make my appointment even though they said they did. So now I'm hoping there won't be an issue with billing since the bloodwork wasn't preapproved. Ugh. It's so annoying. As if it isn't inconvenient enough to leave home a half hour early to get to the office before they open. And then to get in there and have to wait until my chart was pulled because they forgot to put me in the system.  .  .double ugh. Anyway, at least they found my veins this time. Last cycle, when I had my progesterone blood work done, they poked my three times (one in the left arm and two in the right arm) and I still wouldn't bleed. They ended up and put it in my hand. So at least they found my vein today the first time. 

I'm nervous about the end of this cycle. I guess this is one of those increasing important cycles. I realize that if I get another Big Fat Negative, this is mostly likely the point at which I move on to daily injectables. I have so many worries about that. I don't like needles at all. Not a fan of them, and really not a fan of giving myself shots. But I guess if that's what I have to do to get a baby...I have a consultation with Dr. VanDeerlin at South Jersey Fertility Center. I've been seeing him as my RE since June. I won't know at the time of the consult how the rest of this cycle will pan out. I still have a few days after the Wednesday (September 30) consult before the end of my cycle. So I guess we'll have to wait and see. It's all a waiting game and I'm just tired of waiting. I'm getting impatient! 

At least my Clomid side effects and Ovidrel side effects have faded except for the hot flashes. The hot flashes seem to never go away. I guess I've learned to deal with them. My Hubby bought me a bedside fan over the summer because he was so annoyed with how cold the air conditioner was. I feel like a menopausal woman! Oh, I can't wait for these hot flashes to finally leave.

Anyway, I got some things to do. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

In the Waiting

The one thing I hate the most with the fertility treatments is the waiting. I'm in the 2-week waiting period. It's a terrible time. You wait for what will come at the end of the month. I can't get my hopes up, I mean, it's been over two years with nothing. But I so want to make it to the end of the month and know that I don't have to wait anymore. But I have learned not to expect that, but rather to hope for it. I can't allow myself to get so excited about the unknown. It just leaves the door open for heartbreak and disappointment. 

You know, the one thing that keeps me strong on this journey is my faith. I quoted a very inspiring song in one of my letters to my unconceived child. The lyrics are from "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. They go like this: "I will praise you in this storm. I will lift my hands. For you are who you are no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You've never left my side, though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." Powerful words! I hate to look at this as though it is a storm, but it is a difficult journey, nonetheless. So that song really helps me keep the right perspective.

So I'm worried about possibly moving on to daily injectables. I have a consult with my doctor in the morning of the 30th. It's just before the end of this cycle, so I won't know whether or not I need to start the injectables. But because it is the next step, it requires that I sit down with the doctor and discuss what his plans are and what medications are available. And if I move on to daily injectables, I'll be at the doctor's office so many days a month! I'm not looking forward to that. But, the end result is one I want, so I will do what it takes!

As frustrating as the journey is, I keep going. I am blessed with a husband who is patient with me. He wants a baby and he knows that I want one so badly. But he's always so patient with my ill-behaved ovaries. I don't know many men who would be as kind as he is when I'm having my Clomid emotional meltdowns. I don't yell or scream, I just cry. He looks at me, I cry. He says sweet things to me, I cry. He talks to me in a not-so-nice tone of voice, I cry. He hugs me, I cry. And yet, he just deals with it and loves on me. How did I get so blessed? It makes the journey easier when you have someone like Phil by your side.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Where to Begin?

Where do I begin...Phil and I decided over two years ago, August 2007, that we should start to try for a family of our own. We prayed hard about this decision, since we didn't want to enter into it without it being in God's plans. So I went off birth control pills after ten longs years of being on them to regulate my cycles. Although the birth control aspect was nice when we weren't trying to conceive, that was never why I was on them. So I stopped taking them but didn't inform my OBGYN right away that we were TTC. I didn't really think it was necessary. Rewind to 1997 when I first had issues with irregular cycles, I should have After all, known to see a doctor right away, but I thought I could do it. Women get pregnant all the time naturally, without doctor's help, and without medication. 

Fast forward to October and November 2008. My cycle had seemed mostly regular from going off the birth control. My OBGYN knew, by this point, that we were TTC. I was already on prenatal vitamins, but my doctor never offered anything to guide us along. So at the end of October, my period came and come November, it hadn't gone away. Instead, it got ugly and hostile. I won't go into details other than to say that I was ready to drive myself to the Emergency Room for blood transfusions. I was scared to death. Something was really wrong with me! 

So that started the more proactive course in this journey. I went to see my OBGYN and was started on a round of Provera. Well, that did it's work but then my period again didn't go away. So I did another round of Provera. I also had to start keeping a Basal Body Temperature chart. This is very unfun and quite annoying, as you have to take your temperature at the same time every single day. Holiday? Doesn't matter. Weekend? Doesn't matter! Vacation? Still doesn't matter. So anyway, my first month charting, I apparently didn't ovulate. Why? We'll get to that later. Anyway, that was the start of the intense journey I'm on now.

My doctor instantly started me on another round of Provera and then started me on the Clomid at 50mg. Guess what...it did nothing! Another month without any ovulation. My body is broken. It was a very frustrating realization for me! So after that, I started on 100mg of Clomid. I stayed with my OBGYN for 3 cycles of 100mg. I ovulated on two but not on the third. So he referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Fertility Specialist). Don't you know that at my first consultation, the doctor proceeded to inform me that I have Policystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). And then came the question. "Why did it take you so long to come to this office?" 

Needless to say, I'm still taking Clomid. The RE added an hcg trigger shot, Ovidrel, to the routine. All these drugs just so I can mature eggs and release them! So I spend at least 3 days a month at the RE's office getting ultrasounds, Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI), and bloodwork. Oh, the good times! So this is my last cycle, I think, before moving on to daily injections. I'll keep you all posted with my thoughts, my struggles, and all the good and bad times that will come of this.