Hand In Hand

Hand In Hand

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Discouragement and Moving Forward

It's been a while since I last posted. Let me quickly update you on why I am discouraged but moving forward with new hope. It's been a rough road with trying to conceive child #2. In August, we went for our consultation with our fertility specialist. I place my full trust in this team of doctors, after all, they are the medical reason I have my daughter. God blessed their hands with the work they do and blessed me with the reward. We have been long hoping to be blessed again. So, in August, I had my HSG (hysterosalpingogram). This is when they check to see that your tubes are open by inserting dye into your uterus and through your fallopian tubes. The x-ray showed that there was something potentially wrong with my uterus. So, I moved on to a hysteroscopy (a scoping of the uterus). This is an out-patient treatment where they place a small camera into your uterus to look for scar tissue or other abnormalities. Turns out, everything was just fine. So we moved on to injectables with no delay. But that month, I had no response, either. My eggs didn't grow, even with the high doses of hormones. It was disappointing, to say the least. We took another month off, regrouped, and in December, did high doses in injectables again. For a normal woman, these high hormone doses would almost assuredly cause OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). Me? Not so much. I'm lucky I get three eggs, if that, out of it. Needless to say, December was a huge bust. Then, immediately following that, my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels skyrocketed. They are already elevated, as I have Pre-Ovarian Failure. I knew that. But they went from 13 to 36 in one month. This puts me closer to premenopause. I'm only 33, so this news is definitely scary. We went ahead with another cycle with injectables in January. That cycle, too, has been a bust. 

So, now onto the discouragement. We are no longer going to be able to take the "easy" road with injectables and IUI (intrauterine insemination). We now have to have another consulation with the Fertility Specialist and discuss our options. I'm a bit crushed, a bit scared, and quite discouraged. My body tells me I don't have all the time in the world to waste, spinning my wheels. Discouragement is unfortunately expected when everything you have been doing to have another child is not working. 

I'm not mad at God, so please don't think that. I am fully walking in faith right now, because it's all I can do. My husband and I have prayed many times about children, expanding our family, and whether or not this is for us. And God has never said "no." But as we walk on this journey, roadblocks have appeared and doors have shut. He keeps giving us detours, having us take the long way, and teaching us to walk in faith and trust. It's not easy. We learned this lesson the first time around when we struggled to conceive our beautiful daughter. It's the hardest thing in life sometimes, to walk in faith when the future is so unknown and what you WANT may not be what God PLANS. I'm taking each day as it comes. I'm thankful for the blessing of my daughter and the miracle that she is. Two and a half years of age, she is the delight of my life. God has richly blessed us with her. But what parent doesn't want to give a sibling to their child, or hold another sweet baby in their arms and raise them?

Where does that put me now? Well, I know (I'm 99% sure) that we will be talking about IVF at our consultation on the 26th. It's the most obvious next step. I'm nervous about IVF. As a teacher, I'm nervous about possibly missing time from my classroom for bedrest. I'm nervous about the Pre-ovarian failure factor. It places me in the possibility of needing donor eggs. Will my eggs be good enough or are they now the problem? How will I feel if I need to use donor eggs? I tell myself I will be okay with it. After all, I've always wanted to adopt and isn't using a donor egg like adoption, only you get to have your husband's DNA in the child AND carry them in the womb for nine months? It still makes me nervous.

I now am taking a few weeks off from the journey. In those few weeks, I'll hold my daughter extra close, steal more cuddles and kisses, and hold my husband even closer. After nine and a half years of marriage, the struggles that have strengthened our marriage the most are those that have involved expanding our family. So now, I prepare my mind and my courage to be tested again, in a new way. I know that God never gives us anything that we cannot handle with His help, so I trust in His plan, even when I cannot see it. I have no idea what He has in store for me, or even IF it involves more children. But I will continue to trust in Him and walk in faith. Nothing happens the way WE want it to, or WHEN we want it to. God is on control. 

Today, I will pick up the broken pieces of my heart, put them back together, and enjoy the blessings I do have-a loving and tender husband and a sweet and sassy little girl. My next miracle child will have to wait for another day, there is snow to play in today.