I finished my bcp yesterday. I can't even express how glad I am to be done with those awful things. I was on bcp for ten long years, but not this particular brand. I'm hoping they did their job, though. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I picked up my medications today, since I had them shipped to the doctor. I already have my Follistim and Ovidrel sitting in the fridge. Now, I have a box full of needles! I looked in the box and my first thought was, "Wow, that really is a lot of needles." But I'm not dreading it, just nervous about it. I'm hoping AF will come tomorrow and that I can get baselines on Saturday. I'd hate to get baselines on Monday, I really don't want to miss more work. But, it would be baselines and medication instructions/training. So I can't miss that. My fingers are crossed that AF comes tomorrow and that when I go in for baselines, they will be good. Say some prayers for me!
I swear my ovaries are in revolt. I have had cramps since I started with resting cycle with the birth control pills. Some days, I think my ovaries want to just jump out of my body. One more week of this, then hopefully, I can start the injectables. I hope I like needles, I have 4 different shots I'll be giving myself! So as long as my ovaries can stick it out for one more week and not jump out of my body, we should be in the business of egg-making again.
I had yet another consultation with the RE this morning. It wasn't the RE I usually see, but I can't be picky and choosy right now. this month of a resting cycle is making me nuts. I hate the birth control pills. They make me feel yucky. And yet, I realize that compared to what is looming ahead, I should be enjoying this.
So what is this black cloud looming ahead?? I'm going to be sticking myself with not one needle a night, but two for the first few days. And then, not one, not two, but three needles for a few days. And then, not one, not two, not three, but four in all for the cycle! Yes, folks, my thighs will officially be pincushions big time. I already have the Follistim, which I'll be doing every night after baselines. But add to that Menopur, which I'll also be doing every night after baselines. Then, once my eggs are developing, I'll have to do Ganirelix every night until my eggs are ready. Then, I'll do the usual Ovidrel trigger. Wow! That's a lot to work with. Lucky for me, Follistim is a pen-type needle where you dial a dose. Ganirelix and Ovidrel are pre-filled syringes. The only one I'm worried about is Menopur, which I have to mix myself.
I look at it this way. If this is what will get me to the family I so desperately want to start, I'll take it. We're all faced with challenges and trials in life, but nothing is beyond what we can handle. I know that I am in God's care and that He is overseeing every decision the doctors will ever make for me. I put my trust in Him and the plans He has made for me. So as nervous as I am about all these shots that I now have to do, I know I am loved, I am cared for, and He walks beside me through it all.
So I feel miserable. I absolutely hate this forced break. I've been very irritable lately and poor DH has to put up with me. These birth control pills are the pits. I forgot what it was like to be on them and I am not about to get reused to it. The end of this cycle can't come fast enough for me. I keep having to rationalize it with myself. I am still a bit upset about being on this break in the first place. But I know that if it gives my RE more insight on how to deal with my PCOS and help me conceive, it qill be worth it.
But as for this month, I'm just hanging in there. My face is all broken out again, which I'm so mad about. I finally felt like I had managed my facial breakouts. Everything was going fine and well until I started on this month of birth control pills. Ugh...not to mention the crampiness off and on all day and the bloated feeling. I have my consult on Friday with the RE to re-evaluate what to do now. I'm hoping they have a solution for me. But I guess we'll have to wait an see what that appointment brings. In the meantime, I will suffer through this month off from TTC. Seven days down, including today. 14 to go.
I've been a little discouraged since Wednesday's forced one month break from TTC. It is only a month, actually, 3 weeks. I'm not sure how it works with being on the pill. I don't even know what to consider CD 1. So I'll have to ask the doctor at the consult on Friday morning. I can't even begin to tell you about the thoughts that creep through my mind. I have to keep telling my mind to turn it off for a little while. Stress and anxiety won't get me a baby any more than the luck I've had so far. And as you can tell by my childless, empty womb, I've had NO luck.
But it's not about luck, it's about God telling me that I need to stop, slow down, take a break. I have great friends who are getting me through the rough patch. They remind me that my body can't be a machine, it needs a small rest. I have a very dear friend who reminds me that I'm not the one in control of my life. And the more I try to control it, the more bumps in the road will appear because I shouldn't have control of my life. God is in control and needs to be. I'm thankful for great friends who are carrying me through the emotional journey.
Tomorrow, a good friend of mine is getting married. I'm so excited for her. But secretly, I was hoping that I would be sporting a happy baby belly at her wedding. It's not to be. Sadly, I'm sporting a lovely month off from TTC. Hmmm...not as spectacular or fabulous of a story, huh? But that's life. And I'm going to get to spend the day with DH and some of the best girls there could ever be. Of course, a few of my closest girl friends won't be there, but I still love them just the same!
I'm thankful for being surrounded by people who can empathize even if they've never been in my shoes. They offer me so much encouragement and love. It's one of those warm and fuzzy feelings to know that when life throws you some sour lemons, the greatest of friends are there waiting with sugar (or Splenda) to sweeten things up.
So I am just the picture of complete brokenness today. I had my CD 4 baseline appointment today. My ultrasound showed that I have a relatively small cyst on one of my ovaries. Problem is that it is yielding ridiculous amounts of estrogen. My estrogen was beyond 250 today. Not good, since they want it between like 25 and 75 or something. Add to that my FSH level, which has never been tested, was 13.5. That means my ovaries are working too hard to produce follicles. So...I'm on a mandatory break from TTC for one month. I had to talk my doctor into giving my bcp for the month. But I don't ovulate...so taking a one month break is okay, but give me something to take to keep it one month and not two months of a break! So that's my life, that's where I'm at right now. I have an appointment on the 16th with a different doctor from my office, but I didn't want to wait until the 30th or something to meet with my doctor. I want them to figure out what is wrong with me and fix me!! Like I said in my last post, I need to be returned to the "Future Mommy" store and labeled "Broken." So these doctors need to fix me, as they are the ones at the returns counter.
So I feel very broken today, like a toy that was purchased for a child and when they went to play with it, it was already broken. That's me, the broken toy.
I've tried so hard for over two years to always be strong in the face of infertility, but sometimes, the weight of it all is too heavy. Tomorrow, I start a new chapter in this journey, I start injectables. My doctor is positive that this will work for me. I trust Dr. V, I really do, but I guess there's a part of me that feels like this is never going to happen.
I'm thankful that I serve a God who would never give me more than I could handle. I know that there are many lessons that He is teaching me throughout this journey. But nonetheless, it is still emotionally trying. Today is one of my "blah" days. I just feel like I should be returned to the "Future Mommy" store and labeled "Broken." Ugh...just one of those days. These feelings will pass on by, I know that, but while they last, it sure isn't fun!
Well, AF decided to come this morning even though she certainly was not invited. So that means I start Follistim this week. I called the pharmacy yesterday to order it and the doctor's office hadn't even called it in. It makes me annoyed because my doctor asked me if I wanted to order it early just to be safe and I said yes. But the nursing and office staff never called it in. So...the doctor's office was closed yesterday when the pharmacy called them, so I have to wait until tomorrow to order it. So they're going to ship it same day delivery to my doctor's office. I need it for Tuesday because I have to go in for CD 3 baseline data. I'm supposed to have my medication with me so that they can show me how to use it.
So it's official. I am going to become a human pincushion. I must admit that I am not ready for that. I was secretly hoping that this was it for me, that the last Clomid cycle did the trick. Nope, it wasn't to be. So now we move on to injectables + trigger. I have no idea what side effects to expect, what mood changes to expect...DH just got used to the Clomid and how he has to get used to a different drug. Who knows how the levels of hormones will affect me. I'll keep you all posted as I take on the job of being a human pincushion.
So I'm in limbo right now. I'm just sort of waiting to see what's going to happen this weekend. Today is officially CD 28 and my temps dropped a bit this morning, but not to pre-O temps, not even below my coverline on Fertility Friend. Here is a link to my Chart so that you can check it out. I don't know what the expect. That's where my title for this post comes in. I'm in limbo!
It's one of those times in life where no matter what result I get this weekend, thigngs are going to change. If I get a BFP, I can cautiously celebrate reaching the goal I've had for two years. But if I get AF, I know that I start my life as the human pincushion (as someone else very descriptively put it). I mean, really, the only good thing is that I wouldn't be one of those old, beat up, raggedy pincushions. I'd consider myself one of those decorative ones you can get an Joann Fabric, you know, the ones that cost more money because they aren't so plain.
I'm not feeling anything right now. No PMS signs, no anythings. So I don't even know what to expect. I'm not very optimistic, but then again, I have nothing to go on. I've never had a BFP, not even once. I've been content just to know that with the Clomid+Ovidrel, I've been able to O every month instead of taking Provera. But I'm just not very positive or hopeful this cycle. It's not up to me, it's not in my hands, and I know that. But I'm just going to have to wait and see if AF comes to town this cycle or not.
I'm getting so impatient waiting this cycle. I'm not extremely optimistic so far. Two more days to wait for AF. If she's on time, she'll come on Sunday. So...I'm just waiting. I haven't felt the best today. I've been oddly cold. I've been hot for what seems like forever. I swear I've been hot the entire time that I've been on Clomid. Yes, all 8 cycles of it. I swear it's like one never-ending hot flash. But today, I've had goosebumps a few times and just been cold. I've also been extremely over-emotional. DH and I watched Tuesday night's "The Biggest Loser" and I cried through the whole show. Granted, this one was chock full of so much raw emotion, I couldn't handle it tonight! I'm wondering if I'm getting sick or something, yet another thing to look forward to...not!
Anyway...I'm just not feeling like this is my cycle. I'm expecting AF to show up right on time. And then, I'll move on to injectables, which I've been afraid of for a while. But I've come to accept that if that is God's plan for me, I will follow the path He has laid out for me. It may not be the path I would want to go down. The path I wanted to go down would have yielded a child over two years ago. But it's not about my plan, my goal, my anything. I keep reminding myself of that.
I'll try not to be hopeless in the last two days of my 2ww. I know that my hope is in Christ and He knows what will happen. I'll keep you posted as the weekend approaches!
I am 31 years old and so is my darling husband, Phil. We've been married for seven years now. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and the most patient man I know. We tried for over two years to start a family and finally, by the grace of God, we welcomed our precious miracle on July 28, 2010. Life always stays interesting!