God Never Lets Go of Us

I was singing in church today and one of the songs just touched me so deeply. It rang so true for me. It's Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." As I was singing, I got a little misty eyed. I wanted to share the video link with you. The words are moving beyond belief for my journey. The chorus alone gets me a little choked up:

"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me."

Wow...those are some powerful words. Here's the link to the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQBqQejnIA

Hindsight is 20/20

Looking back at the past two weeks, I should have known something was very different. I think I've been through failed cycles so many times that to even think for a second that I was pregnant seemed wrong. So I just chalked it up to the Endometrin, after all, it was the only thing different to my routine. I had some cramping, and not AF cramps, either. These were a little lower, in a weird, never had cramps there before kind of spot. And they've been on and off since last Saturday. I've had some heartburn, but again, I just assumed it was the Endometrin. Add the morning nose bleeds on the way to work. My nose never bleeds and these aren't bad, it's more like I blow my nose and there's some blood on the tissue. Weird...Now, add the gas, the insatiable hunger, it all makes more sense now. Hindsight is 20/20.


Hubby claims to have suspected it for about a week now. But he knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't have believed him if he said he thought I was pregnant. He's noticed changes that I just ignored. He's amazing. Rather than say anything, he just thought it and had himself happy about what I didn't know yet.



For those of you reading my blog, believe me, I never thought this day would come. It has been a LONG journey to get to this place. But God is good. He knew when the right time would be and I'm trusting Him, as He's blessed me with a miracle growing inside. I've prayed for this child for over two years and I truly believe that God doesn't give us things when WE want them, but rather when we can handle them correctly. I find that I appreciate my circumstance much more given what I've gone through to get to this point. 


I can't even express how excited I am and yet so nervous. I want this baby to stick. I've prayed for it, written letters to it, and wanted it so badly. Please pray for this child, that it will be perfect and healthy.

I'M PREGNANT!!!

I had my bloodwork done this morning at the RE's office. Yesterday, I kind of didn't let myself believe that the test was really positive. I think I got used to it being negative every cycle that it didn't seem like it could be real. But now, it's real. My beta was 98! The nurse who called that this is a fantastic number for where I'm at, being it's 16DPO. I finally allowed myself to cry. I think all the failed cycles and all the emotions of feeling like it would never happen finally overflowed when I realized that the Lord provides when He sees fit. I wrote yesterday that I was thankful for God's many blessings, big and small, seen and unseen, expected and unexpected. How true! 

Please pray that this baby (or babies, since I released 4 eggs!!) sticks. I'm so nervous about that. I had a great progesterone level (26.1) and high beta, so this is good. I go back Tuesday for repeat bloodwork to see if my beta numbers have doubled or not. So say some prayers, baby needs them!! 

A Thanksgiving to Remember

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! So I'm 15 DPO today and no signs of AF. I POAS this morning, faint positive. I'm cautiously optimistic and not saying anything to my friends outside of my blog. It's too early to say anything, I need blood work to confirm it, plus, it's too early to spill the beans. So if you're my friend on facebook, DON'T SAY ANYTHING ON THERE!!!!

Here's a picture of it.

The Unfairness in the Game of Life

I know I usually post blogs about me and my journey. But I was thinking a lot today about all the babies who are aborted every day because women go out and make decisions that have consequences they weren't ready for. And then there are kids who are born to mothers who aren't married, have multiple kids that they really didn't want, and they aren't given the love or affection they need. It breaks my heart. But life is unfair like that.

I think that's why there are days when this journey seems much harder than anything else in life. I look at all these kids I'm surrounded with on a daily basis and some of them, my heart aches for them. I look at all the teenagers getting pregnant right now and it makes me sad because two lives are affected-their own, as they lose the rest of their childhood, and the child's life, as they are raised by a child. 

Then, there is what seems to be the minority anymore-a woman who wanted her children (regardless of whether she is married or not) and loves them with all her heart. Most people seem to put other priorities in front of their children. I, as a teacher, thank God every day for the moms who put their children first as a priority in life. 


Okay, I just had to clear that out of my head. It's been getting to me lately. All of us infertiles go through so much to start a family. And it just seems unfair that all these women who run around with reckless abandon just end up with babies they don't want. I know my day is coming, all of us will get the opportunity one way or another to be the mom who is in the minority, the one who puts a child's needs first. But I'm getting impatient these days waiting....

My 2nd ICLW

I realized as I was getting comments about my last post that most people reading this blog this week are visiting for ICLW. So I wanted to give you some background on my journey. I think it may help to understand my posts this week.


So my journey...I married my best friend, the love of my life, my knight in shining armor, August 2, 2003. It's been a great 6+ years. Yes, we've had some rough moments, but everyone has them, life is not easy. We decided before we got married that we needed to wait to TTC. Kids weren't a priority for us at that time. We focused our energy on Hubby finishing his graduate studies and building our marriage. That was important for us. Marriage, no doubt, will change after kids are added to the mix. So we felt we needed to establish our foundation. 

We decided in August 2007 that it was time for kids. So I stopped taking my bcp and we eagerly jumped on the TTC wagon. I had no inkling that it would take so long to even get to the point we are at now, and there still is no baby other than my little fur baby. For some reason, I thought that miraculously, my body would cooperate after going off bcp, even though I was on bcp from 1997 up to that point just to regulate my cycle and keep cysts away. Duh...I should've known. But everyone wants to have a baby without all the medication, the almost daily trips to the RE, the temperature charts, the list could go on and on. Needless to say, it was a mistake. 

My cycle was almost regular for over a year. October 2008, AF came and AF stayed and AF wouldn't leave. AF was a beast. My lining must have built itself up for a few months, even though AF had come up to that point. I thought I was going to end up in the ER and need blood transfusions. My OBGYN called in Provera. After the first round of Provera, AF still didn't go away. I had to do another dose of Provera. That's when the OBGYN wanted me to start temping. It revealed what he already knew but needed documentation-I don't ovulate. 

So I started Clomid, 50mg. No ovulation. Another round of Provera. Started 100mg of Clomid. I ovulated for two cycles but didn't get pregnant. The third cycle on 100mg, I didn't ovulate again. He sent me out to the RE. 

The RE is amazing. We had our first consult in June of this year. His first comment to me was "What took you so long to come in here? Don't you know that you have PCOS and most likely will not conceive without ART?" "ART? What is ART?" Assisted Reproduction Technology/Therapy. So I did another round of 100mg of Clomid, but he added Ovidrel to my routine. Yay, finally a strong ovulation. I did three more Clomid cycles after that, all with trigger and IUI. No babies...after my last Clomid cycle, one of my follicles didn't release. And low and behold, it became a cyst. 

I had to take a month off with bcp. I was devasted, to say the least. That was October. I was supposed to start injectables that cycle. But it's good I didn't. The RE has discovered that I have a diminished number of eggs. So my protocol is the same as if I were going to do IVF. It's been a rough journey to get this point, but now I'm in my 2ww from my first injectables cycle. 

That's my story. It brings you all up to date. Thanksgiving is AF's arrival day and the day I POAS if she isn't here. So fingers crossed, say some prayers!

Time is Moving Slowly

I feel like this 2ww is moving sooooo slowly. It's taking forever just to get to Thanksgiving. I'm testing then, if AF doesn't show up right on time. I guess we'll see. I'm still not feeling anything different...I've got the sore boobs, the emotional sensitivity, and all that good stuff. But that all started when I started the Endometrin. All that progesterone pumping through my body is making me crazy. Ugh...come on Turkey Day! I want to know all ready, the wait is starting to drive me crazy. Not that I'm one to get myself all excited, like I said, I'm not feeling anything different. I don't overanalyze symptoms. I think you just leave yourself open for disappointment. So I'm just trying to wait...I know that AF will be UGLY this cycle because I have a very plump and full uterine lining, thanks progesterone! So I guess it's just more of the same waiting game as I've gone through for how many months now??

All Things Good

I had my 7 DPO checkup today at the RE. Everything looks good. Doctor informed me that I still have two ovaries (whew, good thing!). He measured them to make sure there was no enlargement. I don't remember the exact measurements, but he said they were perfect. My uterine lining is 10.1. I'm so excited about that, since last week, it was 7.5. Much improved!! So the doctor was pleased with the checkup today. Oh, and my ovaries are very quiet, which means I ovulated ALL of my eggs, which at last count last Monday was 4 eggs. So maybe, just maybe one of them will take. . .

Let the Waiting Game Begin!

I had my IUI this morning. Although I had to wait a lot longer than usual (something weird must have been going on in the office), all went well. I was supposed to have the nurse practitioner do the IUI. But then the doctor's assistant came in to tell me I would have one of the lady doctors. Okay, fine, just get it over with already! It's a time sensitive matter, you know? You're talking about live swimmers, separated from all the other junk they go with, and they have a short life span! 

So anyway, I waited probably no more than 15 minutes, but I swear it felt like an eternity. Nothing makes time go by slower than sitting on an exam table getting a cold draft on your hind side because the paper blanket doesn't go all the way around. That was my morning. I spent an hour and a half total at the office. But it was worth it. The IUI was the most comfortable one yet. Not even as uncomfortable as an annual exam. And no uterine cramping during the procedure. 

I've had cramping off and on all day now, but that's normal for ovulation. Now, it's just a waiting game. I go back in a week for bloodwork and another ultrasound. Because I did an injectables cycle, they do the luteal check up and measure the lining of my uterus. No complaints. I'm just glad to be in the two-week-wait already. 

Keep the prayers coming, they are amazing. Not only have they worked to make the days of the injections short, but they are also helping me keep peace in my heart. Now, let's see how patient I can be during this waiting time.

Trigger Happy

I had my ultrasound and more bloodwork this morning. My follicles are ready to go! I triggered tonight. Wednesday is my IUI. And then it's just a waiting game. It's funny, I had three very mature follicles and one very close to that point (20x18, 18x17, 18x17, and 16x15). I am still so surprised at how quickly all this happened. I mean, it's only day eight of my new cycle. And I triggered tonight! Seems a bit early, but I'm thankful that this cycle went quickly. It's been a whirlwind month, that's for sure! October 7th, I started the bcp. I really didn't think I would be having an IUI this quickly into an injectables cycle. Say some prayers, I start the Endometrin on Wednesday and I don't have a clue how to use that torture device.

Since When Are My Ovaries "Honor's Students?"

Last cycle, my ovaries received a big fat "F" on their test. A canceled cycle is like a failed test. And my ovaries did a good job failing. Not this cycle. They keep coming up with excellent marks. Today, CD 6, I had another ultrasound and bloodwork. My protocol for meds changed. My Follistim stayed the same, 75iu. But now, the Menopur (the one made by the Devil) has been upped to 150iu. I also have to start with Ganirelix to make sure those follicles don't go anywhere. At CD 6, I have 4 maturing follicles, the biggest one 15x12 and the other three all 14x11. Wow!! No failing grades this cycle. Four follicles is a good number. It isn't too many. We'll see how that goes. I go again on Monday for another ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm sure my IUI will be mid-week this coming week. My follicles are growing fast!!

Menopur is of the Devil

I started my first cycle of injectables last night. The needles themselves. . .not too bad. The Follistim overall is not bad at all. I really didn't feel it. It left an ugly mark behind it because it bled. But it didn't hurt at all. The Menopur, however, is of the Devil. I can't express that enough. The needle didn't hurt, went right in, no problem. But gosh, the solution burned, stung, can't even describe it fully, as it went in. I wasn't prepared for it. I was yelling things like "Owww!!" and "Good grief!!!" Hubby got a little concerned and asked if I was okay. There was a lot of "owws" and "good griefs" coming from the bathroom. I wonder if it gets easier to deal with the more you do it. . .I hope I don't have too many nights of this. I already had follicles growing, so maybe it won't take too long to rev up my ovaries, get some good follicles, and get on with this cycle. 

I'm hating my ovaries right now. The Menopur addition to the cycle is all their fault. They just can't cooperate or behave. It makes me nuts. Someone asked me why I was on Menopur+Follistim. Follistim is usually the first injectable after a Clomid cycle because it is less intense than others. But with a high FSH level and the RE concerned about my number of eggs being less than normal, he wants to get lots of follicles growing. I know it will be all worth it, but I wish the Devil wouldn't have had a hand in creating such an evil fertility medicine. That's the only way I can convey how much it hurt last night to inject the solution into my body.

Sigh of Relief

I had my appointment for baselines today. I didn't know that I should have gone in on CD 2 because my FSH is higher than normal. They didn't tell me that last cycle when they realized that my FSH was higher than normal. Anyway, I went in for my u/s and I already have follicles that are measurable. In my mind, this isn't normal. So I panicked right away thinking that I had more than one cyst. But I was assured by the RE who did the u/s that everything looked normal and quite good in her opinion. So everything hinged on my bloodwork, which was very ugly last cycle. 

I was on my way home from the RE's office and I just had this sinking feeling that I would be in a forced month off of TTC again. I told Hubby that I was a hot mess and really, it was for no apparent reason. I didn't know what the bloodwork would show, I just was sick to my stomach about it. So I came home and cried. I was just so negative about it.

The RE's office called and I know their number by heart, so I knew it was them. I got nervous until the nurse who called informed me that everything is GREAT!! So I start Menpur and Follistim tonight. Things are so good that I am only doing 75iu Follistim and 1 vial of Menopur to start. Last cycle, it was a different story. So I'm so relieved. 

I know I have been bathed in prayer and I am thankful for the prayer warriors who know how important this journey is for me. Prayer is such a powerful thing. I'm excited to see where this next step on the journey takes me.

Today is a New Day

Dearest Aunt Flow decided to visit today. It's about time she got here. She's been standing at the door for like 3 days now but just wasn't ready for a visit. How annoying! Everything is run on her time. 

Anyway. I made my appointment for baselines. I go in Thursday morning. Hopefully, that lovely cyst has run its course and is out of my body. It's on to injectables, big time. Part of me is worried that I'll have to do another cycle of bcp. I'm worried about my estrogen levels. But I'm really worried about my FSH levels. They were high last time and high estrogen is supposed to suppress estrogen levels. Ugh...I guess only time will tell what lies in waiting. 

I have a fresh look on it all. Today is a new day. Today starts a fresh cycle. If my bloodwork and ultrasound are no good, I'll do another cycle of bcp. It's okay, I have to have peace about whatever my body brings my way. In the meantime, I have a huge box full of medication plus more meds in the fridge just waiting to be used. And I have an egg somewhere in my ovaries just waiting to turn into a darling baby. 

I gave my ovaries a pep talk this morning. I had to make sure they were on the same page as I was. They are the boss of my cycle and they need to know what the proper directions are. Plus, I may as well coach them on how to behave. They've been misbehaving since the beginning of it all. It's time they get themselves under control! We'll see if they can behave on Thursday.