TTC #2-RE Visit, HSG, and the Start of Something New

Yesterday, we went back to see the RE. It's been almost three years since we were there last, so I was quite nervous. I'm not naive this time around. I KNOW the tests, I KNOW the possibilities, I KNOW the possible roadblocks. And that knowledge makes me VERY nervous. With having a c-section with Isabella, I knew there would be a possibility of extra testing. I had no idea I would need another HSG.... Nobody enjoys the HSG! 

I'm nervous as can be as that appointment looms over my head for Wednesday. There are a few different possible outcomes. First of all, not only are they checking to make sure my fallopian tubes are open, but they are checking for scar tissue on my uterus. I had a "special" c-section. My beautiful little princess wouldn't come out during her caesarian birth. So, the OB had to do an extra cut-vertical-on my uterus. So, internally, I have an upside down T. That makes for a possible scar tissue issue. If there is scar tissue that isn't removed, it can cause a miscarriage. So, the possible outcomes are: everything is open, clear, and ready to go. Or, the tubes are clear but there is scar tissue. Or, one tube (or both) are blocked, but there is no scar tissue. Or, there is a tubal blockage and there is scar tissue. This whole unknown situation is what is making me nervous. But it's just another thing we infertiles must go through to achieve the same results as our Fertile Myrtle friends. 

I had an ultrasound yesterday to check how many eggs are in my ovaries at the present moment. I had seven. The mere fact that the number can be counted on TWO hands is good news for me. But, it's a low number compared to most women my age. It is a bitter reminder of my diminishing ovarian reserve. I still need to get updated hormone bloodwork done and that makes me more nervous. I am anxious about my FSH and AMH levels. They didn't check my AMH levels three years ago, but my FSH levels were around 13. Not good. So we will see what this time around brings.

The game plan is in the place. The RE is on board with an October or November start date. But, the hormone testing will determine what injectables I use and what the possible dosage will be. But this is one of those times when I know that Hubby and I have prayed about this, we felt all along that God was having us wait until this moment. We purposely chose to wait until Isabella was two before even thinking of starting for a second. She is now two and here we are. Last night, I prayed that we were on the right path, that God was directing us correctly, and that our plans matched His. But I have this sinking feeling like God has some tests of faith in store for us again. Only time will tell, I suppose.

So here we are, in the waiting game, hoping to start TTC #2 in the next few months. I just have to get these pesky tests out of the way. Oh to be fertile and be able to conceive if someone even so much as sneezes on me when they are pregnant. That's never going to happen, but one sure can imagine and dream!

National Infertility Awareness Week

It is National Infertility Awareness Week, April 22-April 28. This is a very personal diagnosis for me, as I have battled infertility and come out a victor. As a woman who has journeyed through infertility, thus giving the name to this blog, I wanted to be a voice who did speak. I want to share the journey, the good and bad.

Many women walk this path, but not enough are willing to speak about it. Our personal experiences, good and bad, victorious and still struggling, they are all stories that can help someone who is on the journey. Too many women walk along the journey not speaking about it, keeping the emotions bottled inside, ready to burst with anger, frustration, sadness, and a deep longing for the very thing they struggle to have-a baby. 

This diagnosis-Infertility-is the one word no woman EVER wants to hear. Those words are not spoken right away. In fact, as the story would begin, everything is sunshine and daisies. You are finally at a place in life and in your marriage where you and your spouse are ready to start a family, you prepare yourselves, do everything you can to prepare your body, and begin to prepare your home. There is nothing more exciting than the thought that at the end of the month, you may be pregnant. The end of the month comes and much to your disappointment, it didn't happen. Month after month, you continue to try for the same thing-a positive pregnancy test, the possibility of that long-awaited child. And month after month, the same disappointment greets you. It becomes difficult to continue to try. You feel like everything has become more of a routine, planned, and unspontaneous. Your marriage may start to feel the effects of it as you begin to feel useless and barren, unable to provide the link to continuing the family. You feel broken, unable to have a body that works the correct way. You want an instant fix, something to make your dream happen instead of the nightmare you now find yourself in. But there is no instant fix, it isn't that easy.

I know that not everyone walking the journey shares the same faith in Jesus that I do. For me, that was the one certainty in life that made the journey and all the obstacles and challenges easier to deal with and face. I did hit the point of feeling broken. I completely fell to pieces and cried out to God. I wanted to know WHY. Why had He given me this lot in life? Why had He chosen me to walk this journey? Why did He allow my body to work in such a bad way? Why me? I wanted so badly to be pregnant, to bear a child, to be a mother. And yet, here I was, on a journey riddled with obstacles, mountains to climb, and oceans to cross. Yet, Jesus reminded me that He was walking with me, carrying me. Only He could move mountains, walk on the water, and remove the obstacles in my path. Where was my faith? He begged me to trust in Him, to know that these things along the journey were simply testing my faith. Would I remain faithful and continue to praise Him despite the storm that swirled around me? The answer was (and still is, for every obstacle that I face in life) YES, I would trust that He knew my future, He knew the journey I was on, He could see beyond the mountain, He could see the land on the other side of the ocean. It's hard to be in that place of complete trust in the midst if such desperation. But we women who battle with this ugliness of infertility, we find ourselves in the beauty of complete trust in Jesus. And He is there. 

I am one of the blessed ones. Once I hit the point of complete and utter despair and helplessness and fell, broken into a million pieces, at the feet of Jesus, then and only then did He hear my prayer and remind me that I am His child, He loves me, and I needed to have faith in His plans. Not only did I battle with infertility (thanks, PCOS!), but I also battled a secondary issue called Preovarian Failure. I discovered after trying to conceive a child for over two years that I also had this reproductive issue. It scared me. The truth to this issue is that my body, at what was then 30 years old, had the eggs of someone 10 years older than me. The quality was considered to be poor and the number of eggs left in my reserve was significantly less. That scared me to the core. Talking of that desperation, if that doesn't cause you to feel so completely broken and helpless, I don't know what will! But Jesus was right there with me. He continued to remind me of His love. When, in complete helplessness, I wanted to give up and abandon my dream, He reminded me that my choice to do that would be a choice to not trust Him. I did conceive my daughter the month after finding out about the Preovarian failure. I consider her a miracle. Despite all the odds being against me, I conceived a healthy, beautiful little girl. We named her Isabella Joy, which translates to "God's Promise of Joy." There is no name more beautiful than that to express the emotions of my heart. I battled infertility and won and my "prize" is turning 2 at the end of July.

Infertility. More common than people realize. Unbelievably difficult, tiring, and challenging. Many people do not understand it, and they don't understand the emotions that go with it. If you struggle with, share your stories for all to know. You never know who needs to hear your story, to know what you went through. You never know who you may be helping with your experiences. And to be honest, there is nothing more therapeutic than sharing the innermost emotions of your heart along this journey. Infertility. Would you be willing to share your journey with your friends and loved ones?

I'll conclude with a few pictures, two from the journey to get pregnant and two of my precious little daughter, my triumph over infertility.

What it took to get pregnant

Finally seeing the positive pregnancy test

July 28, 2010-the day my life forever changed

My little miracle baby now

Some New Pictures

In all of my lack of postings lately, I have neglected to post recent pictures of my sweet daughter. So here are a few very recent pictures. Enjoy!

Our Visit with the ENT

We finally made it to see the Ear, Nose, Throat (ENT) Doctor at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia this morning. We are familiar with some of the CHOP procedure, since we see a pediatrician through CHOP. This appointment was so important that they had us in the office for a 7:35am appointment. Most appointments that early wouldn't be a big deal. But Philadelphia is across the river and morning traffic can be a nightmare! So we left home just after 6am, baby still in her pajamas. We knew it was going to be a long morning, since this was our initial visit with the ENT. We arrived, checked in, and gave Isabella some dry cereal for breakfast. Cheerio Girl wasn't thrilled with the offerings. But there is little choice on days where the important doctor visits are this early in the morning. 

Once we were all checked in and the nurse practitioner came in to meet Isabella, she was impressed with how well behaved Isabella was when she looked in her ears. Sure enough, after four ear infections since Valentine's Day, she still has fluid in her ears. And, as well behaved as she was to have her ears looked at, she was equally ill-behaved when the nurse practitioner wanted to see her tonsils and adenoids. All was well with those, the issue remains to be the ears. So, we waited to see the doctor. Dr. Handler comes highly recommended, as he has been in the business of making ears better for over 30 years. He is a wonderful man. Isabella really seemed to be okay with him. She let him look in her ears without argument. But again, the mouth was a different story. She did not want him to touch her mouth with that wooden tongue depressor. But she had no choice and just as quickly as she could protest, the mouth and glands exam was over. The verdict? Ear tubes are necessary. For some reason, her ears do not seem to drain the excess fluid that builds up. So the fluid sits there and after a bit of time, bacteria begins to grow and the infections begin. Nothing will change if her Eustachian canals can't drain the fluids. So, we will get visiting the surgical center on the 27th for some nice new ear tubes.

In the meantime, we also took Isabella to visit the Audiologist over at CHOP as part of giving evidence to show that there is fluid in the ears and what the fluid is causing in regards to hearing. Since she doesn't speak on command yet, there was no Speech and Language part to this test, this was simply a hearing test. Isabella sat with me (Hubby sat in a chair behind us) on a chair in this room filled with wires, TV type of boxes, and several things that would eventually make noise when the audiologist commanded it to via her computer on the other side of the tinted glass window. Isabella did well with the test behaviorally, but she did exactly how they all suspected she would do with the hearing. She had no response to the sounds that were at a very low volume. Trust me when I say that these sounds were very SOFT. She acknowledged the other sounds without issue. Then, the put on this headphone device that somehow detects how much sound would be heard if it could bypass all the fluid and she did extremely well on that test. So, it gives evidence to show that with her ears having fluid all the time, she isn't hearing things the way she should be, she hears them as though she is under water. 

So, our surgery date is in place and will be done in Philadelphia at CHOP. My sweet Isabella is in the best hands there ever could be. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. They have to put her under general anesthesia and I am so scared for her. I know it's nothing major, lots of toddlers and even younger babies have it done all the time. But no mom wants their child to have to go through any surgery. So I am a bit of a mess about it. I knew it was coming, I knew that this was the direction we were being steered and I am okay with it. I'm just a very emotional mom.

That's the latest news from this end. No news of any other kids. Isabella is more than enough for us for now. God has blessed us plenty with her smiles and giggles. She is in the defiant toddler stage where she is pushing Mommy and Daddy's buttons. Bedtime has suddenly become a power struggle. Eating foods that she isn't interested in is a struggle. Getting dressed when she wants to just be in her diaper can  be a struggle. Isabella can be one tough cookie. And I love her with all my heart. She is everything I asked for when I asked for the blessing of a child. And, she is so much more than what I expected. We are thinking that in a few months, maybe we will go back and visit Dr. V to get the ball rolling with a second child, but for now, Isabella keeps us busy, especially with all these ear infections. I'll try my best to update you all as we wait for this ear tube surgery and the after effects of finally getting it!

Coxsackie (Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease)

Hello, world of strange childhood illnesses! We have arrived. Yes, Izzy is no longer my sweet, innocent baby who has only been sick with ear infections. Saturday, my sweet little daughter became the BIG 18 months old. And, to celebrate, she sprouted a lovely and mysterious rash and had a low fever. Rashes are new to our household, so I did what any good mom would do. I panicked! I took pictures of the rash, posted them on FB for my friends to help play doctor and identify what this mysterious rash could be. Strawberry allergy, strep, fever-induced rash, yeast infection by the diaper line...I was sure it was one of those. Until someone mentioned Hand, Foot, and Mouth. The more I looked at pictures of it and read about it, the more I realized that this is probably what she had. Except that it wasn't the right season for it. 

So, again, I did what any good mom would do. We drove to Urgent Care on Sunday to have them identify the rash! There's something to be said about an 18-month old drooling excessively and playing with the toys in the waiting room there. Nobody wanted to be near her, not knowing what she had. She was a trooper. She had two strep tests done, two people looking all over her rash, checking her mouth and throat. She cried, but she made it through. The diagnosis-Coxsackie. It's very contagious to kids under 10 and pregnant women. So, she hasn't been at my friend A.'s this week, since she had two kids plus takes care of another friend's son (who now also has H,F, and M, since Izzy shared). 

It's been an interesting adventure. I'm thankful that the mouth sores weren't too bad. They can coat the mouth and throat with ulcer-like open sores. Thank goodness her sores were few and short-lived. But her knees blistered and are all scabbed over now. Poor girl has scabs all over and looks like she has Chicken Pox. I guess this is just preparing me for all the other rashes and childhood illnesses that just sort of appear. It definitely tested my decision-making skills, as the true reason for taking her to Urgent Care was to keep her from being dehydrated, since she wasn't drinking very much at all. 

We all learn from the decisions we make and the adventures we take. I'm blessed to have a husband who worked through my own panicking over the rash and the lack of drinking milk. With my first experience with viral childhood illnesses almost behind me, it's on to the next adventure, whatever that may be.

It's Been a While!

My life as a busy mom and a teacher has caught up with me when it comes to blogging. I have not disappeared, just been too busy to get on here to play catch up. It's been an interesting school year so far, and that keeps me very busy with my head in my teacher's manuals. And, life with Isabella is ever exciting! She's into everything and is very hands-on and it leaves no time for blogging.

So, since she is peacefully napping next to me and I have the day off from work (NJ Teacher's Convention), I thought I would catch up. Isabella had her 15-month check-up today. 15 months! I can hardly believe that she is that old already. Time just goes by too quickly. The pediatrician we saw today is far from my favorite, but I realized that she's really not all that evil and actually has a sense of humor, I just still don't prefer her. But, onto the good stuff. My little munchkin is still a petite diva. She's 19lbs 13.5 ounces, which puts her a little over the 7th percentile. Length is another story...she's 28 3/4 inches long. That puts her in the 3rd percentile. Yes, my baby is little. She's always been little and she continues to grow within the same curve on the percentile chart. She's my sassy little lady and although she's a munchkin in every sense of the word, she's my cutie and I love her!!

What else is new? Isabella is full out walking and running. She thinks it's funny for you to chase her. She'll wait for you to come around the hallway and then she'll turn and walk away from you slowly until she realizes you are chasing her. Then, she will giggle and run. It's adorable! She teases the dog. She knows the difference between a dog and a cat, since we have a Shihtzu and my parents have a pit bull and two cats. Most days, she'll just call Angel "Og." Get it? Og=Dog. But, when she wants to tease the dog, she'll walk up to her, try to cuddle with her, pet her, then call her "Key Cat" (Kitty Cat). It's pretty funny, and she knows it is since she laughs as soon as she says it. She humors herself! She's got a vocabulary bursting at the seams already. She knows a lot of words and is starting to speak in phrases. It's great. She gets less frustrated when she wants something because as long as she isn't beyond the point of frustration already, she can tell us what she wants or at least walk to it and wait for us to get it. She amazes me with what she is able to do these days. Now if only she could put herself to sleep...

Everyday brings new adventures. Some of these adventures are fun, like watching my baby play in Chickfila with the bigger kids and flirt with little boys. Yes, my "sweet" Isabella is a sassy one who loves her boys. She will flirt with the cutest of the cute! Some of these adventures are not fun, like our car ride home from my mom's house the other day. With these molars coming in, My Sweet One has been sticking her fingers in her mouth and then she jams them down her throat, I guess to see how far back her fingers can go. Well, she did this in the car and caused herself to throw up all over herself  and her carseat. Needless to say, I couldn't get home fast enough, strip her down, and get her in the tub/ Febreeze is a lifesaver, as my car now smells normal again. Adventures like that are not my idea of fun, but it's all part of Motherhood and I wouldn't EVER trade it for ANYTHING!

The thought occurred to me earlier today that two years ago, on this day, I went to my RE's office for my IUI. The IUI that would give me my sweet Isabella. Yes, two years ago, I truly embarked on my adventures in motherhood. Two years ago, I laid in the exam room, with my knees in the air for the 10 minutes they want you to "baste" before you can start "baking." I was doubtful. I wanted to believe that this would be it, this would be the time I conceived my long-awaited child. But part of my doubted it would be possible. I started my two weeks of agonizing waiting. Waiting for a negative test. Waiting to start the next cycle. Waiting for disappointment to greet me once again. But that disappointment never came. November will forever be a special month for me. I conceived my beautiful, precious Isabella in November 2009, had my IUI November 11, 2009, and my life has never been the same. I am truly blessed.

Hurricane Irene

We are here, we made it through Hurricane Irene (Isabella's first hurricane and my first REAL hurricane) just fine. Earlier in the week, we had an earthquake (well, Virginia had the earthquake, but we could feel it in NJ), but we were in the car. So we didn't physically feel the earth move. Scary to think about, though. 

Hurricane Irene was a very scary experience for our little family, but we made it through. Hubby went grocery shopping and made sure to get lots of non-perishable food items on Friday, since the threat of losing power was very real. We filled up the cars with gas and parked them away from the giant tree in our front yard. The rain started Saturday afternoon and it wasted no time getting to be a heavy rain. The wind didn't pick up until the evening. On Saturday, we brought all the food down to the basement, packed a bunch of things into a basket for the night, set up the air mattress in the basement, and set up the pack n play. We didn't want to sleep in our bedroom, with a giant tree right outside the window. In the back, we have some pine trees and I was worried about them, but not nearly as much. We played with Isabella with all of her toys downstairs (our basement is fully finished and her favorite place to play) until we got her in her pajamas and down to bed. But as the evening turned into early night, the tornado warnings started for South Jersey. We maintained electricity, so we heard all the warnings. It was VERY frightening. At one point, I grabbed Isabella out of the pack n play and ran to our closet under the stairs. Hubby made me move to be behind the bar, since that was a better place, further away from the sliding glass door. I was scared to death that we would lose power, the trees would all fall on the house, we would have a tornado rip off the roof, and we would be helpless because we were in the middle of a hurricane. But God protected us and watched over us. The tornado warnings calmed down around midnight. They started up again around 3am, but they were to the north of us, so I tried to get some sleep. Thankfully, I slept for a few hours, off and on. Isabella slept on the air mattress between Hubby and me, since she was restless and I was still too scared to put her farther away from me. 

Sunday morning brought very heavy rain and heavy wind gusts. We continued to maintain our electricity, though, and for that, we are very thankful. When the rain stopped, we surveyed the house/row of homes in our townhouse unit for any damage. A random piece of siding trim was in our backyard, but we don't know where it came from. No other damage, just some branches down, a lot of leaves lost from the trees, and some MAJOR flooding around the area. We took a drive after the rain was gone so that we could see how much flooding was around our local area. It was unbelievable how many roads were closed due to the flooding. The entire state is water logged. The flood waters are starting to recede, but it is crazy.

We survived here in this house without any damage. We are blessed and thankful. But some of our friends have not been so fortunate. Many homes have water in the basement. Some homes are flooded. A friend of mine lost her home when a tree fell on it during one of the isolated tornadoes. She had to get stitches in her head, as she was hit by the falling tree. Very scary. I watch the news and see all the devastation up and down the east coast and I feel blessed to be safe and yet sick to my stomach to know that I am safe while so many have no homes left. Many babies were born during the hurricane, they say the barometric pressure being so low causes women to go into labor. I'm sure many babies will be born nine months from now. As for me, I survived my own paranoia and nervousness. Isabella wasn't bothered by any of it. The dog was mad because it was raining. And I'm married to a man who is so calm and level-headed during situations like this and I needed that more than he will ever know.

 I will leave you with pictures from Hurricane Irene as we bunkered down and then took pictures of a very small amount of the local flooding.

 Hiding during the tornado warnings

 Hubby and Isabella napping Sunday morning

 Our sleeping arrangement

 My hiding place under the stairs

 Flooding just a few blocks from our house

 Small driving trail completely flooded

 Major highway (Route 73) flooded

 Parking lot completely under water

Notice the sandbags by the door of the PNC bank

 Drive-Thru at the PNC bank

Local intersection flooded