Many women walk this path, but not enough are willing to speak about it. Our personal experiences, good and bad, victorious and still struggling, they are all stories that can help someone who is on the journey. Too many women walk along the journey not speaking about it, keeping the emotions bottled inside, ready to burst with anger, frustration, sadness, and a deep longing for the very thing they struggle to have-a baby.
This diagnosis-Infertility-is the one word no woman EVER wants to hear. Those words are not spoken right away. In fact, as the story would begin, everything is sunshine and daisies. You are finally at a place in life and in your marriage where you and your spouse are ready to start a family, you prepare yourselves, do everything you can to prepare your body, and begin to prepare your home. There is nothing more exciting than the thought that at the end of the month, you may be pregnant. The end of the month comes and much to your disappointment, it didn't happen. Month after month, you continue to try for the same thing-a positive pregnancy test, the possibility of that long-awaited child. And month after month, the same disappointment greets you. It becomes difficult to continue to try. You feel like everything has become more of a routine, planned, and unspontaneous. Your marriage may start to feel the effects of it as you begin to feel useless and barren, unable to provide the link to continuing the family. You feel broken, unable to have a body that works the correct way. You want an instant fix, something to make your dream happen instead of the nightmare you now find yourself in. But there is no instant fix, it isn't that easy.
I know that not everyone walking the journey shares the same faith in Jesus that I do. For me, that was the one certainty in life that made the journey and all the obstacles and challenges easier to deal with and face. I did hit the point of feeling broken. I completely fell to pieces and cried out to God. I wanted to know WHY. Why had He given me this lot in life? Why had He chosen me to walk this journey? Why did He allow my body to work in such a bad way? Why me? I wanted so badly to be pregnant, to bear a child, to be a mother. And yet, here I was, on a journey riddled with obstacles, mountains to climb, and oceans to cross. Yet, Jesus reminded me that He was walking with me, carrying me. Only He could move mountains, walk on the water, and remove the obstacles in my path. Where was my faith? He begged me to trust in Him, to know that these things along the journey were simply testing my faith. Would I remain faithful and continue to praise Him despite the storm that swirled around me? The answer was (and still is, for every obstacle that I face in life) YES, I would trust that He knew my future, He knew the journey I was on, He could see beyond the mountain, He could see the land on the other side of the ocean. It's hard to be in that place of complete trust in the midst if such desperation. But we women who battle with this ugliness of infertility, we find ourselves in the beauty of complete trust in Jesus. And He is there.
I am one of the blessed ones. Once I hit the point of complete and utter despair and helplessness and fell, broken into a million pieces, at the feet of Jesus, then and only then did He hear my prayer and remind me that I am His child, He loves me, and I needed to have faith in His plans. Not only did I battle with infertility (thanks, PCOS!), but I also battled a secondary issue called Preovarian Failure. I discovered after trying to conceive a child for over two years that I also had this reproductive issue. It scared me. The truth to this issue is that my body, at what was then 30 years old, had the eggs of someone 10 years older than me. The quality was considered to be poor and the number of eggs left in my reserve was significantly less. That scared me to the core. Talking of that desperation, if that doesn't cause you to feel so completely broken and helpless, I don't know what will! But Jesus was right there with me. He continued to remind me of His love. When, in complete helplessness, I wanted to give up and abandon my dream, He reminded me that my choice to do that would be a choice to not trust Him. I did conceive my daughter the month after finding out about the Preovarian failure. I consider her a miracle. Despite all the odds being against me, I conceived a healthy, beautiful little girl. We named her Isabella Joy, which translates to "God's Promise of Joy." There is no name more beautiful than that to express the emotions of my heart. I battled infertility and won and my "prize" is turning 2 at the end of July.
Infertility. More common than people realize. Unbelievably difficult, tiring, and challenging. Many people do not understand it, and they don't understand the emotions that go with it. If you struggle with, share your stories for all to know. You never know who needs to hear your story, to know what you went through. You never know who you may be helping with your experiences. And to be honest, there is nothing more therapeutic than sharing the innermost emotions of your heart along this journey. Infertility. Would you be willing to share your journey with your friends and loved ones?
I'll conclude with a few pictures, two from the journey to get pregnant and two of my precious little daughter, my triumph over infertility.
What it took to get pregnant
Finally seeing the positive pregnancy test
July 28, 2010-the day my life forever changed
My little miracle baby now