Discouragement and Moving Forward

It's been a while since I last posted. Let me quickly update you on why I am discouraged but moving forward with new hope. It's been a rough road with trying to conceive child #2. In August, we went for our consultation with our fertility specialist. I place my full trust in this team of doctors, after all, they are the medical reason I have my daughter. God blessed their hands with the work they do and blessed me with the reward. We have been long hoping to be blessed again. So, in August, I had my HSG (hysterosalpingogram). This is when they check to see that your tubes are open by inserting dye into your uterus and through your fallopian tubes. The x-ray showed that there was something potentially wrong with my uterus. So, I moved on to a hysteroscopy (a scoping of the uterus). This is an out-patient treatment where they place a small camera into your uterus to look for scar tissue or other abnormalities. Turns out, everything was just fine. So we moved on to injectables with no delay. But that month, I had no response, either. My eggs didn't grow, even with the high doses of hormones. It was disappointing, to say the least. We took another month off, regrouped, and in December, did high doses in injectables again. For a normal woman, these high hormone doses would almost assuredly cause OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome). Me? Not so much. I'm lucky I get three eggs, if that, out of it. Needless to say, December was a huge bust. Then, immediately following that, my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) levels skyrocketed. They are already elevated, as I have Pre-Ovarian Failure. I knew that. But they went from 13 to 36 in one month. This puts me closer to premenopause. I'm only 33, so this news is definitely scary. We went ahead with another cycle with injectables in January. That cycle, too, has been a bust. 

So, now onto the discouragement. We are no longer going to be able to take the "easy" road with injectables and IUI (intrauterine insemination). We now have to have another consulation with the Fertility Specialist and discuss our options. I'm a bit crushed, a bit scared, and quite discouraged. My body tells me I don't have all the time in the world to waste, spinning my wheels. Discouragement is unfortunately expected when everything you have been doing to have another child is not working. 

I'm not mad at God, so please don't think that. I am fully walking in faith right now, because it's all I can do. My husband and I have prayed many times about children, expanding our family, and whether or not this is for us. And God has never said "no." But as we walk on this journey, roadblocks have appeared and doors have shut. He keeps giving us detours, having us take the long way, and teaching us to walk in faith and trust. It's not easy. We learned this lesson the first time around when we struggled to conceive our beautiful daughter. It's the hardest thing in life sometimes, to walk in faith when the future is so unknown and what you WANT may not be what God PLANS. I'm taking each day as it comes. I'm thankful for the blessing of my daughter and the miracle that she is. Two and a half years of age, she is the delight of my life. God has richly blessed us with her. But what parent doesn't want to give a sibling to their child, or hold another sweet baby in their arms and raise them?

Where does that put me now? Well, I know (I'm 99% sure) that we will be talking about IVF at our consultation on the 26th. It's the most obvious next step. I'm nervous about IVF. As a teacher, I'm nervous about possibly missing time from my classroom for bedrest. I'm nervous about the Pre-ovarian failure factor. It places me in the possibility of needing donor eggs. Will my eggs be good enough or are they now the problem? How will I feel if I need to use donor eggs? I tell myself I will be okay with it. After all, I've always wanted to adopt and isn't using a donor egg like adoption, only you get to have your husband's DNA in the child AND carry them in the womb for nine months? It still makes me nervous.

I now am taking a few weeks off from the journey. In those few weeks, I'll hold my daughter extra close, steal more cuddles and kisses, and hold my husband even closer. After nine and a half years of marriage, the struggles that have strengthened our marriage the most are those that have involved expanding our family. So now, I prepare my mind and my courage to be tested again, in a new way. I know that God never gives us anything that we cannot handle with His help, so I trust in His plan, even when I cannot see it. I have no idea what He has in store for me, or even IF it involves more children. But I will continue to trust in Him and walk in faith. Nothing happens the way WE want it to, or WHEN we want it to. God is on control. 

Today, I will pick up the broken pieces of my heart, put them back together, and enjoy the blessings I do have-a loving and tender husband and a sweet and sassy little girl. My next miracle child will have to wait for another day, there is snow to play in today.   

Stepping Out In Faith With Reckless Abandon

God is asking for complete trust. I knew this back at the end of August. I knew this after my HSG results weren't the best. I knew this in September. I knew this after my hysteroscopy results were great. I knew this in October. I knew this when I had an injectable cycle that ended without the fairy tale ending. I knew this when November flew by with nothing to show for it. I knew this in December. I knew this when I had the most perfect setup for being pregnant only to see it all crumble with nothing to show for it other than negative tests. I know it now with another rest cycle starting tonight.

I know that God is in control of my crazy, out of control hormones. I know God is in control of my uncooperative reproductive system. I know that He must have big plans for me or for my family. His time table doesn't match what mine was, but I trust that His plans are more awesome than mine. God sure has a way of placing obstacles in our path and using them to test out faith.

I am stepping out in faith. I am trusting in God's plan for my family. I am willing to walk this unknown and often discouraging path with reckless abandon, trusting in God's plan. It isn't easy to do. There are a lot of tears involved. Sometimes, it takes a broken heart to fully give our desires to God and allow Him to take control.

I won't sugar coat things. I am discouraged. I am very much afraid of not having the chance to be pregnant again, to love another child, to nurture another little love. I'm sad that I'm not pregnant. I'm frustrated that it comes so easily for most people, yet it is something I clearly have to work for.

This walking in faith with reckless abandon thing isn't going to be easy. God is challenging my faith. And I must admit that I am sometimes filled with doubts. These doubts seek to pull me from my faith journey. We all fail at times when we walk on our faith journey. I am trying to keep my heart on Jesus and walk hand in hand with the one who carries me when I can't do it on my own.

This journey towards child #2 is hard. It isn't what I expected it to be. But it's everything God planned it to be. So I am trusting in His plan as I move on, walking into the unknown. Whatever obstacles may be in my way, I know I can cross them as long as I trust.

Menopur, Follistim, and Ganarelix, Oh My!

It's been a while since I have posted any updates on life, TTC #2, and raising my beautiful little miracle. There's a lot to catch everyone up on, so I'll try and do it as quickly as possible. For the record, No, I am NOT pregnant....yet. So, with that said and out there, I can update you all on what has been happening.

Back in August, we started the process of TTC #2. As was the case when I conceived my beautiful daughter, my FSH levels are NOT good. Before starting any new cycles, my baseline FSH was 12.7. Although it was a smidge higher when I started the process 3 years prior, this FSH level is not good. It means that I have pre-ovarian failure, basically the early stages of premenopause. I knew this three years ago and was relieved to see that it has no progressed into full premenopause. My FSH numbers are still relatively the same. So we were given a yellow light-we had to have an HSG first in order to get a green light.

In late August, I had an HSG. It was an epic fail. My uterus showed signs of a "defect." The RE was unsure if this was from scar tissue from my c-section in 2010 or if it was a polyp. No matter how I looked at it, I was stuck at a red light until I had a hysteroscopy done. I was discouraged, upset, feeling beat up. I scheduled the hysteroscopy for mid-September. In my mind, the faster I got things moving, the faster I could get on the road to TTC #2. Hysteroscopy day, I had a low grade fever and almost couldn't do the hysteroscopy. It was determined that because I had myself so nervous, my body temperature couldn't adjust and I was running on little sleep. So they did the procedure anyway. Turns out that the Epic Fail from the HSG was a fluke and everything was, indeed, fine. I was given the green light to start a new cycle as soon as I finished my pack of bcp. Amazing news. I was so relieved. 

The end of September, I started injectables. I started with 2 vials of Menopur and 75iu Follistim. My eggs showed no growth. They upped my meds across 11 nights to 3 vials of Menopur and 300iu Follistim. Ugh. Talk about hardcore meds! Across those 11 nights, my eggs never grew. Talk about defeat. I was feeling very broken, more discouraged than ever. I felt like I waited too long after having my daughter before conceiving a second child. I was sure my eggs were duds and we would need to discuss donor eggs. The RE gave me Provera for 5 nights. I faithfully took my meds, waited 2 weeks, no sign of AF. No new cycle. Nothing. So I called, went in for more bloodwork, and started 7 nights of Provera. Finally, a new cycle came and started. By now, we were in the beginning of December. 

This has been a longer process than we expected or wanted it to be. Ideally, we wanted to be pregnant before now. But we are not. I started a new cycle on the 3rd and started injectables on the 5th. My starting dose? 3 vials of Menopur and 300iu Follistim. This is not a good starting dose. That amount of Menopur is just pure evil. But I did it, I knew what the outcome could (and hopefully will) be. For 3 nights, the routine was to mix the Menopur an hour before injecting (apparently, playing "Chemist" and mixing up the good stuff an hour before injecting makes it burn a LOT less), injecting the Follistim and Menopur at 9, and putting my feet up because my thighs KILLED me after each injection. My eggs apparently responded very well this time and I had to bump up the Menopur to a whopping 4 vials for two nights with the 300iu Follistim and the Ganarelix. I triggered on Monday and had my IUI today! 

Where does that leave me? I'm now in the dreaded Two-Week-Wait. I'm trying to not think about anything. I have a beautiful daughter. She is such a miracle. I would love to give her a sibling to play with. But God is in complete control. He has been reminding me of that every step of the way. He is in control, even when His plans are not our plans. I guess I'll find out just before the new year if this cycle worked. I'm not going to overanalyze anything. It will be what it will be. Just pray for us, as this is definitely what we want for our lives and have received God's blessing to try. 

Now, you may be wondering how my daughter is doing. Isabella is doing so well! Can you believe she is almost 2 1/2 years old? She talks so well and definitely has a well-formed little personality. She has spunk, is extremely opinionated, and is stubborn (like her Daddy, not at all like Mommy). She has been sick off and on for over a month. These toddler colds are the worst! She seems to be feeling better now, just in time for Christmas. We are trying to teach her more about the Christmas story. We still haven't bought a child-safe Nativity set, but that is on the list of things to get. She has a story all about Christmas and the story behind it. She especially loves talking about Baby Jesus and how He had a mom and dad. Isabella also likes to entertain with lots of tea parties. As long as that is the only kind of party she likes to throw, life will be good.

Isabella is still the best miracle for Hubby and me. She is a blessing every single day. I knew I would love being a mom, but I never knew how much I truly would love it. God has blessed me so much with Izzy. 

With all that said, I shall leave you with some pictures from the fall of our little family. 

   

Being Strong When Inside, You Want to Crumble

It's not been the easiest of starts with TTC #2. Of course, I had the HSG back in August. It wasn't good. The results showed that something was wrong with my uterus. I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy in September. I had the hysteroscopy done and as it turns out, everything is okay. There was nothing wrong with my uterus after all. No scar tissue. No fibroids. No polyps. Surprising to all of us, yes. But great news that was much welcomed. I was quickly given the all clear to start TTC #2 and a rush order was placed on securing my injectables. I got my injectables and was strangely excited to break out these needles every night in the hopes of what was to come. 

I stimmed on my injectables for a total of 11 nights, the whole time trying to stay optimistic. But my hope and joy was quickly fading as each ultrasound showed no growth of my follicles at all. I knew I had high FSH and I knew my egg quality was severely compromised. But I dealt with that the very first time around and God blessed me with my beautiful daughter. Fast forward to today. After eleven nights of high levels of Menopur and Follistim, I am staring my now canceled cycle in the face. I refuse to let it get me completely down. It will not cause me to crumble. It will not own me. 

A canceled cycle, the first cycle back on the journey. I will not lie about it. I'm scared. I'm scared that my egg reserve is so low and such poor quality that I won't be able to conceive another child. I'm scared that I will never experience the joy and beauty of pregnancy. I'm scared that I may never have the intimate relationship of breastfeeding again. I'm scared that I will not be able to give my husband another child. All these fears running through my mind. I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed, and I'm scared. But I will not let it own me.

I have to come to a place in my heart where I can fully say that all I have is more than enough for me. I have to accept the richness of God's blessings and know in my heart that they are more than enough for me. I may want another child, but I do not need another child. I have been blessed so very much with my daughter. She is the delight of my heart. God made me a mother and I don't ever want to seem ungrateful or unhappy with what I've been given. I've been given so much. My husband is amazing. He is so patient. He is so understanding. This can be such a lonely process if your spouse doesn't get down to the heart level to know how things are. But my husband does. He prays with me, encourages me, comforts me, dries my tears, eases my fears. I could not ask for a better partner in this journey. And my daughter. She is beautiful. I love watching my toddler run around, barking orders at everyone. She really is the delight of my heart. Her cuddles are the best. Her kisses make my heart melt. And that loving look she gets in her eyes, I couldn't ask for anything more. I must be content with what I have been blessed with. Anything I get beyond this will certainly be extra blessings.

If only my heart could understand all of that so easily. I want to be content. I want to appreciate what I have and not want for anything more. I want to be strong and brave. I want to stare this setback in the face and take it head on. But inside, I am crumbling. The thought of not having more children scares me. It breaks me down. And then, instead of the contentedness I need to have, I have this longing in my heart. And with each fear, I crumble some more. 

I know I will get through this. It's not my will that will be done in all of this. God's will trumps mine any day, any hour. I need to trust that His will is being done, whatever it is. And I need to be content in that alone. I can be strong in Christ, even when I want to crumble on the inside.