God is asking for complete trust. I knew this back at the end of August. I knew this after my HSG results weren't the best. I knew this in September. I knew this after my hysteroscopy results were great. I knew this in October. I knew this when I had an injectable cycle that ended without the fairy tale ending. I knew this when November flew by with nothing to show for it. I knew this in December. I knew this when I had the most perfect setup for being pregnant only to see it all crumble with nothing to show for it other than negative tests. I know it now with another rest cycle starting tonight.
I know that God is in control of my crazy, out of control hormones. I know God is in control of my uncooperative reproductive system. I know that He must have big plans for me or for my family. His time table doesn't match what mine was, but I trust that His plans are more awesome than mine. God sure has a way of placing obstacles in our path and using them to test out faith.
I am stepping out in faith. I am trusting in God's plan for my family. I am willing to walk this unknown and often discouraging path with reckless abandon, trusting in God's plan. It isn't easy to do. There are a lot of tears involved. Sometimes, it takes a broken heart to fully give our desires to God and allow Him to take control.
I won't sugar coat things. I am discouraged. I am very much afraid of not having the chance to be pregnant again, to love another child, to nurture another little love. I'm sad that I'm not pregnant. I'm frustrated that it comes so easily for most people, yet it is something I clearly have to work for.
This walking in faith with reckless abandon thing isn't going to be easy. God is challenging my faith. And I must admit that I am sometimes filled with doubts. These doubts seek to pull me from my faith journey. We all fail at times when we walk on our faith journey. I am trying to keep my heart on Jesus and walk hand in hand with the one who carries me when I can't do it on my own.
This journey towards child #2 is hard. It isn't what I expected it to be. But it's everything God planned it to be. So I am trusting in His plan as I move on, walking into the unknown. Whatever obstacles may be in my way, I know I can cross them as long as I trust.