Being Strong When Inside, You Want to Crumble

It's not been the easiest of starts with TTC #2. Of course, I had the HSG back in August. It wasn't good. The results showed that something was wrong with my uterus. I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy in September. I had the hysteroscopy done and as it turns out, everything is okay. There was nothing wrong with my uterus after all. No scar tissue. No fibroids. No polyps. Surprising to all of us, yes. But great news that was much welcomed. I was quickly given the all clear to start TTC #2 and a rush order was placed on securing my injectables. I got my injectables and was strangely excited to break out these needles every night in the hopes of what was to come. 

I stimmed on my injectables for a total of 11 nights, the whole time trying to stay optimistic. But my hope and joy was quickly fading as each ultrasound showed no growth of my follicles at all. I knew I had high FSH and I knew my egg quality was severely compromised. But I dealt with that the very first time around and God blessed me with my beautiful daughter. Fast forward to today. After eleven nights of high levels of Menopur and Follistim, I am staring my now canceled cycle in the face. I refuse to let it get me completely down. It will not cause me to crumble. It will not own me. 

A canceled cycle, the first cycle back on the journey. I will not lie about it. I'm scared. I'm scared that my egg reserve is so low and such poor quality that I won't be able to conceive another child. I'm scared that I will never experience the joy and beauty of pregnancy. I'm scared that I may never have the intimate relationship of breastfeeding again. I'm scared that I will not be able to give my husband another child. All these fears running through my mind. I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed, and I'm scared. But I will not let it own me.

I have to come to a place in my heart where I can fully say that all I have is more than enough for me. I have to accept the richness of God's blessings and know in my heart that they are more than enough for me. I may want another child, but I do not need another child. I have been blessed so very much with my daughter. She is the delight of my heart. God made me a mother and I don't ever want to seem ungrateful or unhappy with what I've been given. I've been given so much. My husband is amazing. He is so patient. He is so understanding. This can be such a lonely process if your spouse doesn't get down to the heart level to know how things are. But my husband does. He prays with me, encourages me, comforts me, dries my tears, eases my fears. I could not ask for a better partner in this journey. And my daughter. She is beautiful. I love watching my toddler run around, barking orders at everyone. She really is the delight of my heart. Her cuddles are the best. Her kisses make my heart melt. And that loving look she gets in her eyes, I couldn't ask for anything more. I must be content with what I have been blessed with. Anything I get beyond this will certainly be extra blessings.

If only my heart could understand all of that so easily. I want to be content. I want to appreciate what I have and not want for anything more. I want to be strong and brave. I want to stare this setback in the face and take it head on. But inside, I am crumbling. The thought of not having more children scares me. It breaks me down. And then, instead of the contentedness I need to have, I have this longing in my heart. And with each fear, I crumble some more. 

I know I will get through this. It's not my will that will be done in all of this. God's will trumps mine any day, any hour. I need to trust that His will is being done, whatever it is. And I need to be content in that alone. I can be strong in Christ, even when I want to crumble on the inside. 

Guest Post: Support in My Darkest Days

*This is a guest post from Heather Von St. James. She is a strong, courageous woman, a mother, a wife, and a cancer survivor! I am so glad I am able to share her story with all of you!

Support in My Darkest Days

We have all heard the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child." Before I became a parent, I did not understand what that really meant, but I now believe it with all of my heart.

August 4, 2005 was one of the happiest days of my life. That was the day that I became a mom after a wonderful pregnancy. The days that followed were filled with joy. My "village" began to form as my parents, in-laws and other wonderful friends and family came by to meet our sweet Lily. We never could have guessed the trials that were ahead.

After I returned to work, I realized that I was feeling awful. I had no energy and was breathless many times throughout each day. I thought these problems might just be because I was a tired new mom, but I decided to see my doctor. I will never forget November 21, 2005 because I received my diagnosis on that date. When I heard that I had malignant pleural mesothelioma, I realized that I was not just the mom of a 3 1/2 month old baby girl. I was now also a cancer patient.

Pleural mesothelioma is a cancer of the lungs caused by exposure to asbestos. I was surprised to find out that I was accidentally exposed to asbestos as a child. Over 30 years later, this exposure had manifested into cancer. My prognosis was not good. The doctors told me that I had 15 months to live without treatment. My first thoughts were for my baby girl, so I decided to try the most intensive treatment for mesothelioma possible. This involved flying to Boston and undergoing a extrapleural pneumenectomy, a procedure that removed my left lung. After my surgery, I was in the hospital for 18 days. I also went through both chemotherapy and radiation.

All of this occurred when I was a new mom to my sweet baby girl. There is no way my family would have survived without our supportive village. While I was undergoing treatments in Boston, Lily lived with my parents in South Dakota. I know it was challenging for them to move from being grandparents to parents, but many wonderful people stepped up to help them. Some of my childhood friends watched Lily during the day so my parents could continue to work.

My little girl kept growing and developing, but I was not able to witness these things firsthand. My parents did their best to keep me informed. They would e-mail me pictures, and my husband would print them out on the hospital's low quality printer. I would proudly share these new photos with my nurses, but inside I was crying for everything that I was missing. When I became discouraged, I remembered that I was fighting for my life for Lily. She needed her mom, and I was going to do everything possible to get well for her.

I would not have chosen to have cancer, but I learned so many things throughout my journey. I am blessed to know there are people in my life who would do anything for my family. I appreciate my village so much more now that I have experienced cancer.

 

You can find out more information about Heather Von St. James here.

Show our guest poster, Heather, some love and leave her a comment! ♥

TTC #2-RE Visit, HSG, and the Start of Something New

Yesterday, we went back to see the RE. It's been almost three years since we were there last, so I was quite nervous. I'm not naive this time around. I KNOW the tests, I KNOW the possibilities, I KNOW the possible roadblocks. And that knowledge makes me VERY nervous. With having a c-section with Isabella, I knew there would be a possibility of extra testing. I had no idea I would need another HSG.... Nobody enjoys the HSG! 

I'm nervous as can be as that appointment looms over my head for Wednesday. There are a few different possible outcomes. First of all, not only are they checking to make sure my fallopian tubes are open, but they are checking for scar tissue on my uterus. I had a "special" c-section. My beautiful little princess wouldn't come out during her caesarian birth. So, the OB had to do an extra cut-vertical-on my uterus. So, internally, I have an upside down T. That makes for a possible scar tissue issue. If there is scar tissue that isn't removed, it can cause a miscarriage. So, the possible outcomes are: everything is open, clear, and ready to go. Or, the tubes are clear but there is scar tissue. Or, one tube (or both) are blocked, but there is no scar tissue. Or, there is a tubal blockage and there is scar tissue. This whole unknown situation is what is making me nervous. But it's just another thing we infertiles must go through to achieve the same results as our Fertile Myrtle friends. 

I had an ultrasound yesterday to check how many eggs are in my ovaries at the present moment. I had seven. The mere fact that the number can be counted on TWO hands is good news for me. But, it's a low number compared to most women my age. It is a bitter reminder of my diminishing ovarian reserve. I still need to get updated hormone bloodwork done and that makes me more nervous. I am anxious about my FSH and AMH levels. They didn't check my AMH levels three years ago, but my FSH levels were around 13. Not good. So we will see what this time around brings.

The game plan is in the place. The RE is on board with an October or November start date. But, the hormone testing will determine what injectables I use and what the possible dosage will be. But this is one of those times when I know that Hubby and I have prayed about this, we felt all along that God was having us wait until this moment. We purposely chose to wait until Isabella was two before even thinking of starting for a second. She is now two and here we are. Last night, I prayed that we were on the right path, that God was directing us correctly, and that our plans matched His. But I have this sinking feeling like God has some tests of faith in store for us again. Only time will tell, I suppose.

So here we are, in the waiting game, hoping to start TTC #2 in the next few months. I just have to get these pesky tests out of the way. Oh to be fertile and be able to conceive if someone even so much as sneezes on me when they are pregnant. That's never going to happen, but one sure can imagine and dream!

National Infertility Awareness Week

It is National Infertility Awareness Week, April 22-April 28. This is a very personal diagnosis for me, as I have battled infertility and come out a victor. As a woman who has journeyed through infertility, thus giving the name to this blog, I wanted to be a voice who did speak. I want to share the journey, the good and bad.

Many women walk this path, but not enough are willing to speak about it. Our personal experiences, good and bad, victorious and still struggling, they are all stories that can help someone who is on the journey. Too many women walk along the journey not speaking about it, keeping the emotions bottled inside, ready to burst with anger, frustration, sadness, and a deep longing for the very thing they struggle to have-a baby. 

This diagnosis-Infertility-is the one word no woman EVER wants to hear. Those words are not spoken right away. In fact, as the story would begin, everything is sunshine and daisies. You are finally at a place in life and in your marriage where you and your spouse are ready to start a family, you prepare yourselves, do everything you can to prepare your body, and begin to prepare your home. There is nothing more exciting than the thought that at the end of the month, you may be pregnant. The end of the month comes and much to your disappointment, it didn't happen. Month after month, you continue to try for the same thing-a positive pregnancy test, the possibility of that long-awaited child. And month after month, the same disappointment greets you. It becomes difficult to continue to try. You feel like everything has become more of a routine, planned, and unspontaneous. Your marriage may start to feel the effects of it as you begin to feel useless and barren, unable to provide the link to continuing the family. You feel broken, unable to have a body that works the correct way. You want an instant fix, something to make your dream happen instead of the nightmare you now find yourself in. But there is no instant fix, it isn't that easy.

I know that not everyone walking the journey shares the same faith in Jesus that I do. For me, that was the one certainty in life that made the journey and all the obstacles and challenges easier to deal with and face. I did hit the point of feeling broken. I completely fell to pieces and cried out to God. I wanted to know WHY. Why had He given me this lot in life? Why had He chosen me to walk this journey? Why did He allow my body to work in such a bad way? Why me? I wanted so badly to be pregnant, to bear a child, to be a mother. And yet, here I was, on a journey riddled with obstacles, mountains to climb, and oceans to cross. Yet, Jesus reminded me that He was walking with me, carrying me. Only He could move mountains, walk on the water, and remove the obstacles in my path. Where was my faith? He begged me to trust in Him, to know that these things along the journey were simply testing my faith. Would I remain faithful and continue to praise Him despite the storm that swirled around me? The answer was (and still is, for every obstacle that I face in life) YES, I would trust that He knew my future, He knew the journey I was on, He could see beyond the mountain, He could see the land on the other side of the ocean. It's hard to be in that place of complete trust in the midst if such desperation. But we women who battle with this ugliness of infertility, we find ourselves in the beauty of complete trust in Jesus. And He is there. 

I am one of the blessed ones. Once I hit the point of complete and utter despair and helplessness and fell, broken into a million pieces, at the feet of Jesus, then and only then did He hear my prayer and remind me that I am His child, He loves me, and I needed to have faith in His plans. Not only did I battle with infertility (thanks, PCOS!), but I also battled a secondary issue called Preovarian Failure. I discovered after trying to conceive a child for over two years that I also had this reproductive issue. It scared me. The truth to this issue is that my body, at what was then 30 years old, had the eggs of someone 10 years older than me. The quality was considered to be poor and the number of eggs left in my reserve was significantly less. That scared me to the core. Talking of that desperation, if that doesn't cause you to feel so completely broken and helpless, I don't know what will! But Jesus was right there with me. He continued to remind me of His love. When, in complete helplessness, I wanted to give up and abandon my dream, He reminded me that my choice to do that would be a choice to not trust Him. I did conceive my daughter the month after finding out about the Preovarian failure. I consider her a miracle. Despite all the odds being against me, I conceived a healthy, beautiful little girl. We named her Isabella Joy, which translates to "God's Promise of Joy." There is no name more beautiful than that to express the emotions of my heart. I battled infertility and won and my "prize" is turning 2 at the end of July.

Infertility. More common than people realize. Unbelievably difficult, tiring, and challenging. Many people do not understand it, and they don't understand the emotions that go with it. If you struggle with, share your stories for all to know. You never know who needs to hear your story, to know what you went through. You never know who you may be helping with your experiences. And to be honest, there is nothing more therapeutic than sharing the innermost emotions of your heart along this journey. Infertility. Would you be willing to share your journey with your friends and loved ones?

I'll conclude with a few pictures, two from the journey to get pregnant and two of my precious little daughter, my triumph over infertility.

What it took to get pregnant

Finally seeing the positive pregnancy test

July 28, 2010-the day my life forever changed

My little miracle baby now

Some New Pictures

In all of my lack of postings lately, I have neglected to post recent pictures of my sweet daughter. So here are a few very recent pictures. Enjoy!

Our Visit with the ENT

We finally made it to see the Ear, Nose, Throat (ENT) Doctor at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia this morning. We are familiar with some of the CHOP procedure, since we see a pediatrician through CHOP. This appointment was so important that they had us in the office for a 7:35am appointment. Most appointments that early wouldn't be a big deal. But Philadelphia is across the river and morning traffic can be a nightmare! So we left home just after 6am, baby still in her pajamas. We knew it was going to be a long morning, since this was our initial visit with the ENT. We arrived, checked in, and gave Isabella some dry cereal for breakfast. Cheerio Girl wasn't thrilled with the offerings. But there is little choice on days where the important doctor visits are this early in the morning. 

Once we were all checked in and the nurse practitioner came in to meet Isabella, she was impressed with how well behaved Isabella was when she looked in her ears. Sure enough, after four ear infections since Valentine's Day, she still has fluid in her ears. And, as well behaved as she was to have her ears looked at, she was equally ill-behaved when the nurse practitioner wanted to see her tonsils and adenoids. All was well with those, the issue remains to be the ears. So, we waited to see the doctor. Dr. Handler comes highly recommended, as he has been in the business of making ears better for over 30 years. He is a wonderful man. Isabella really seemed to be okay with him. She let him look in her ears without argument. But again, the mouth was a different story. She did not want him to touch her mouth with that wooden tongue depressor. But she had no choice and just as quickly as she could protest, the mouth and glands exam was over. The verdict? Ear tubes are necessary. For some reason, her ears do not seem to drain the excess fluid that builds up. So the fluid sits there and after a bit of time, bacteria begins to grow and the infections begin. Nothing will change if her Eustachian canals can't drain the fluids. So, we will get visiting the surgical center on the 27th for some nice new ear tubes.

In the meantime, we also took Isabella to visit the Audiologist over at CHOP as part of giving evidence to show that there is fluid in the ears and what the fluid is causing in regards to hearing. Since she doesn't speak on command yet, there was no Speech and Language part to this test, this was simply a hearing test. Isabella sat with me (Hubby sat in a chair behind us) on a chair in this room filled with wires, TV type of boxes, and several things that would eventually make noise when the audiologist commanded it to via her computer on the other side of the tinted glass window. Isabella did well with the test behaviorally, but she did exactly how they all suspected she would do with the hearing. She had no response to the sounds that were at a very low volume. Trust me when I say that these sounds were very SOFT. She acknowledged the other sounds without issue. Then, the put on this headphone device that somehow detects how much sound would be heard if it could bypass all the fluid and she did extremely well on that test. So, it gives evidence to show that with her ears having fluid all the time, she isn't hearing things the way she should be, she hears them as though she is under water. 

So, our surgery date is in place and will be done in Philadelphia at CHOP. My sweet Isabella is in the best hands there ever could be. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. They have to put her under general anesthesia and I am so scared for her. I know it's nothing major, lots of toddlers and even younger babies have it done all the time. But no mom wants their child to have to go through any surgery. So I am a bit of a mess about it. I knew it was coming, I knew that this was the direction we were being steered and I am okay with it. I'm just a very emotional mom.

That's the latest news from this end. No news of any other kids. Isabella is more than enough for us for now. God has blessed us plenty with her smiles and giggles. She is in the defiant toddler stage where she is pushing Mommy and Daddy's buttons. Bedtime has suddenly become a power struggle. Eating foods that she isn't interested in is a struggle. Getting dressed when she wants to just be in her diaper can  be a struggle. Isabella can be one tough cookie. And I love her with all my heart. She is everything I asked for when I asked for the blessing of a child. And, she is so much more than what I expected. We are thinking that in a few months, maybe we will go back and visit Dr. V to get the ball rolling with a second child, but for now, Isabella keeps us busy, especially with all these ear infections. I'll try my best to update you all as we wait for this ear tube surgery and the after effects of finally getting it!

Coxsackie (Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease)

Hello, world of strange childhood illnesses! We have arrived. Yes, Izzy is no longer my sweet, innocent baby who has only been sick with ear infections. Saturday, my sweet little daughter became the BIG 18 months old. And, to celebrate, she sprouted a lovely and mysterious rash and had a low fever. Rashes are new to our household, so I did what any good mom would do. I panicked! I took pictures of the rash, posted them on FB for my friends to help play doctor and identify what this mysterious rash could be. Strawberry allergy, strep, fever-induced rash, yeast infection by the diaper line...I was sure it was one of those. Until someone mentioned Hand, Foot, and Mouth. The more I looked at pictures of it and read about it, the more I realized that this is probably what she had. Except that it wasn't the right season for it. 

So, again, I did what any good mom would do. We drove to Urgent Care on Sunday to have them identify the rash! There's something to be said about an 18-month old drooling excessively and playing with the toys in the waiting room there. Nobody wanted to be near her, not knowing what she had. She was a trooper. She had two strep tests done, two people looking all over her rash, checking her mouth and throat. She cried, but she made it through. The diagnosis-Coxsackie. It's very contagious to kids under 10 and pregnant women. So, she hasn't been at my friend A.'s this week, since she had two kids plus takes care of another friend's son (who now also has H,F, and M, since Izzy shared). 

It's been an interesting adventure. I'm thankful that the mouth sores weren't too bad. They can coat the mouth and throat with ulcer-like open sores. Thank goodness her sores were few and short-lived. But her knees blistered and are all scabbed over now. Poor girl has scabs all over and looks like she has Chicken Pox. I guess this is just preparing me for all the other rashes and childhood illnesses that just sort of appear. It definitely tested my decision-making skills, as the true reason for taking her to Urgent Care was to keep her from being dehydrated, since she wasn't drinking very much at all. 

We all learn from the decisions we make and the adventures we take. I'm blessed to have a husband who worked through my own panicking over the rash and the lack of drinking milk. With my first experience with viral childhood illnesses almost behind me, it's on to the next adventure, whatever that may be.