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I never imagined I'd be the mom who discreetly covered up and nursed in public. I thought I'd be the formula-buying, bottle wielding mom who was prepared with filled bottles in the diaper bag, on guard and ready to go. Even at the beginning of my pregnancy, I was on the fence, really not sure if I wanted to go through the beginning learning process of breastfeeding. I chose to go with breastfeeding for two reasons-bonding and cheapness. Okay, I know, cheapness? Really? Yes, really. I'm a teacher. I'm married to a teacher. Isabella was a summer baby. Everyone knows that teachers are poor in the summer. So I weighed the cost of nursing pads and lanolin cream with the cost of formula. It's obvious which one costs less. So I chose to go with breastfeeding and prayed that I would have sufficient milk for my little princess.
The first day breastfeeding was far from joyous, I have to admit. Isabella had a lot of difficulty latching on, thanks to my morphine drip (oh the joys of c-sections). But I'm so thankful that the hospital had excellent lactation consultants hanging around. They gave me the silicone nipple shield and said that morphine makes your body tissues soft, not a good thing for getting a newborn to learn how to nurse. But that shield made all the difference in the world. It was uncomfortable. My nipples were very raw, sore, chapped. Isabella would nurse for a half hour on each side for the first two days. She would fall asleep. I never had doubts, though. I never wanted to throw in the towel in those first few days. Even when my milk came in all at once and the engorgement was painful, I never wanted to give up. Even when I was shopping for well-fitting nursing bras two weeks after giving birth and I started leaking something fierce in the dressing room, I didn't want to give up.
There is something so intimate, so amazing, so beautiful about breastfeeding. It's an art. When you think of art, you think of something beautiful, magical, enjoyable, and peaceful. That's breastfeeding! I'm so blessed to have an ample supply. I'm so blessed to be able to provide that sort of bond for Isabella. It has really helped my little Isabella put on much needed weight, since she was in the bottom 5th percentile when she was born. Our bond is unquestionably very close. She comes to me for nourishment. She also relies on me for comfort. Yes, even at six months, she still comfort nurses and enjoys nursing to sleep. I just love those moments when I can look down and just enjoy the view of my beautiful child looking up at me.
I will admit that pumping at work isn't the most amazing or beautiful experience in the world. In fact, it's rather ridiculous. I chose to set up my classroom with my desk in the far corner so that from the doorway, you can't see it. I lock my door, sit in the corner, and pump. That's how I spend my lunch every single day. It's not intimate. It's not amazing. But it means Isabella still has that connection to me during the day when she's at my parents' house. It's just all part of it. I hate pumping. But I do whatever it takes to provide for my little darling. After all, if I have the supply of milk, it would be a shame to not use it!
Six months into Isabella's precious life, I am still breastfeeding. I get stares, glares, and comments out in public. I hear the whispers, I get the comments of "I know what you're doing under there" as they walk past my covered up child nursing. Do I have to cover up? No. But I chose to. Some people just aren't okay with public breastfeeding and I honestly feel more modest being covered up. But I'm still going strong. It isn't about saving money by choosing the cheap feeding option anymore. It's about enjoying my Mommy moments with Isabella. It's about sharing that intimate bond with her as she relies on me for food, for comfort, for sleep (when she's cranky and just can't get to sleep). It's just one of my sources of joy with being a mother!
Ten months ago, my friend A. lost her husband J. in a horrific car accident. I know I posted on it around that time. She was pregnant and had a child turning two years old. In the past ten months, I have learned so much about life, family, love, courage, strength, and faith just from watching her, helping her, listening to her, and spending time with her. A. is a woman of unbelievable strength. Of course her strength doesn't come from her own self, it comes from the loving God we serve. But she just amazes me. In the midst of so much personal pain and grief, she still serves her family, her friends, her church. She gives where she can give, helps when she can help, and reaches out when she feels the need to serve others. I stand amazed of the courage she has to get up each day, a single mom of two children, and continue on with life. She is so brave. I know A. doesn't always think so. She mourns still, grieves still, and really misses J. He was the love of her life, her childhood sweetheart. I've never known anyone else to have the love they shared. J. was such a unique and fun person. I'm sure there were days when A. had to have a lot of patience to live with someone who would get up at 5am, wide awake, singing. But that was J.
A. is getting by. Her oldest daughter, M. is going to be 3 years old in April. Her younger daughter, A.J., was born in early September. A. is a SAHM right now and a single mom to boot. Even with lack of sleep, she still inspires all the women, wives, and moms around her. I don't know that I would be able to be as wise, calm, patient, or strong as she is with all that she is going through.
With all of that said, please pray for A. She has a lot of personal challenges she's being faced with right now. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I know there are days when she feels the burdens are getting too heavy to bear. Time supposedly makes the grief a little less heavy, but losing your spouse has to be one of the hardest things life can offer. She really misses J. and her heart just aches for what he gave. So just pray for her, for her family, and for her children. God has been good in providing friends who can comfort, but we just can't understand the true mourning of her heart.
Through all of the grief, she remains strong for her children. She greats each day with the courage to go through it and see what God would have her do. A., you are an inspiration to me. I love you very much and I'm so blessed to call you a dear friend. Thank you for all that you teach me through your actions and through your life.
We celebrated Isabella's first Christmas this year! Oh how I've waited for the year that I could hold a baby in my arms on Christmas morning. It was magical. Nothing short of a miracle for me. I am so overwhelmed with love for my little dear. Christmas was exciting! We opened her stocking with her. We didn't buy a lot of gifts for her because I didn't know what everyone else was getting for her. So we'll go shopping and get a bunch of things in a few days. But going through that first stocking is something so special. The week before Christmas, Isabella had her first meeting with Santa. We weren't sure about doing the whole Santa thing, but we decided we would go ahead and do the Santa thing. But we want to make sure we always place the birth of Christ higher than Santa.
We also had our first major snowfall of the winter season. I took Izzy out in it for a few minutes just to get pictures. It is sooooo coooold outside, though, so I couldn't keep her outside for long. It was fun, though, to get pictures of the baby in the snow!! She wasn't sure what she thought about it. But she'll grow to love it. After all the snow we had when she was in the womb, she'll be a snow bunny, that's for sure!
She had her first cereal a few weeks back. But we started oatmeal yesterday. This coming weekend, we move on to yellow and orange baby food vegetables! YAY! My little baby is growing up too quickly. She's also going to be graduating to her "Big Girl" crib in a few days. I don't want to think about Isabella sleeping in her own room, but she needs to do it for herself and for me. It's time. :-(
There's not too much to post on other than what I already posted. So I'll just leave you with a few pictures from Christmas and the snow. Enjoy!
It seems like yesterday I wrote that Isabella had arrived. And yet now, we are approaching the 5 month mark. In a mere 10 days, she will be 5 months old. Gosh, it seems so strange to say that! I have a 5 month old. Nope. Just seems too strange!
So let me catch you up on all that has been going on. At her 4-month check-up, Isabella was up to 13 pounds and she's almost 24 inches long. She's growing leaps and bounds. The pedi was very happy with her growth. She was so happy with Izzy's growth that we started solid foods last week. That's going okay. She doesn't like plain rice cereal very much, so today, we tried rice with apple. I didn't know they made flavored rice cereal. Isabella definitely liked it. We're hoping to start barley tomorrow and then oats in 5 days. After that, it's yellow and orange vegetables for her! I can't believe it.
Work is going well. I can't believe it's been two months since I went back. My parents are the greatest. They watch Isabella every day. I would love to stay home some days, but I do love my job teaching, so it is what it is. I can't afford to stay home anyway, so it's a good thing I like my job!
Isabella is still breastfed. Nursing is going well. I never thought I would enjoy nursing. I never wanted to nurse until it got closer to time for Isabella's birth. Sure, there are times when it would be much easier to just make a bottle and heat it up, but it's all part of being a Mommy. Isabella does take a bottle of formula, since my parents need to supplement. She is a pig. I pump at work. I generally get anywhere from 6 to 10 ounces pumped out at work and then I pump when I get home. Pumping is just oh such a beautiful thing. At least my ample milk supply has stayed steady.
Not too much else is going on. I'm going to post a few pictures of my beautiful little one. She just gets more beautiful as time goes on!
A year has passed since we found out we were expecting little Isabella. And in that year, we have been so richly blessed. So I thought I would recap last year's Thanksgiving blessing and then make a short list of those blessings we are most thankful for in the past year.
So last year, Isabella was a plus sign on a pregnancy test Thanksgiving morning. So much to already be thankful for. And then she was a hormone surge that warranted a phone call from the fertility specialist where they referred to me as "Mommy." And then, she was a small spot on the ultrasound screen, then a small dot with a heartbeat. From all of that came Isabella Joy, the blessing we had awaited for, prayed for, longed for. And so, in the past year, the blessings have been innumerable. Here are just a few blessings we are thankful for.
♥ We are thankful for Isabella Joy entering our lives as a healthy, beautiful baby girl.
♥ We are thankful for God keeping me healthy in the scary last stages of pregnancy when we were afraid of pre-eclampsia.
♥ We are thankful for parents who, as Grandparents, are loving, patient, eager to help, and just amazing.
♥ We are thankful for family that continuously prayed for Isabella and continues to pray for her as she grows.
♥ We are thankful for friends who support us and encourage us as we learn to be good parents as Isabella continues to grow.
♥ We are thankful for Isabella's calm and relaxed demeanor. She's such a relaxed and peaceful baby, living up to her middle name-Joy-constantly.
♥ We are thankful for a baby who loves us, needs us, relies on us, and snuggles with us.
♥ We are thankful for a spouse who encourages, supports, prays for, loves, and enjoys the other.
♥ We are thankful for Isabella's Godparents, who love her and want her to grow up to love Jesus and follow His ways.
But most importantly, we are just thankful for Isabella. We are thankful for the addition of a child into our family. We desired her for so long. And although I was at a point where I was almost out of hope, my husband is strong and encouraged me. He knew that God had a blessing in store for us and so I held out hope for one more month. and in that month, God blessed us and our lives would never be the same again. It's been a year of rich blessings. God is so good and He so much deserves our praise and gratitude.
I am just amazed to reflect on the last year. So much has happened, changed, emerged, blossomed. A year ago today, I sat in a doctor's office having intrauterine insemination, knowing full well that there were four eggs just waiting to transform into a baby. I was fairly doubtful that anything would happen, since it had been such a quick and strange cycle. But I went in for the IUI anyway. I remember laying there, alone (Hubby couldn't come, it was a work day and he went to work), feeling so defeated. Never had I been more sure that getting pregnant wouldn't happen. So I just laid there, knees in the air, just going through the motions.
Fast forward a year and all those feelings of defeat have long since faded. Tonight, I sit here with Isabella fast asleep in my arms. I still have those memories of laying there in the doctor's office fresh in my mind. But my heart is overflowing with such joy and love for my precious little child.
She is truly a miracle. She is my blessing, my promise from God. Because of that, she was dedicated to God last Friday by Hubby's grandpa (Izzy's great grandpa). He is getting older and his memory fails him a lot, but there was something so youthful about holding Isabella. It's as though he was transported to a time long ago. He dedicated my precious child to the Lord and prayed over her. It was such a special experience. Last year at this time, I couldn't have even dreamed of all that has transpired. God is good! His blessings are overwhelming.
This is my post from a year ago yesterday:
Dearest Aunt Flow decided to visit today. It's about time she got here. She's been standing at the door for like 3 days now but just wasn't ready for a visit. How annoying! Everything is run on her time.
Anyway. I made my appointment for baselines. I go in Thursday morning. Hopefully, that lovely cyst has run its course and is out of my body. It's on to injectables, big time. Part of me is worried that I'll have to do another cycle of bcp. I'm worried about my estrogen levels. But I'm really worried about my FSH levels. They were high last time and high estrogen is supposed to suppress estrogen levels. Ugh...I guess only time will tell what lies in waiting.
I have a fresh look on it all. Today is a new day. Today starts a fresh cycle. If my bloodwork and ultrasound are no good, I'll do another cycle of bcp. It's okay, I have to have peace about whatever my body brings my way. In the meantime, I have a huge box full of medication plus more meds in the fridge just waiting to be used. And I have an egg somewhere in my ovaries just waiting to turn into a darling baby.
I gave my ovaries a pep talk this morning. I had to make sure they were on the same page as I was. They are the boss of my cycle and they need to know what the proper directions are. Plus, I may as well coach them on how to behave. They've been misbehaving since the beginning of it all. It's time they get themselves under control! We'll see if they can behave on Thursday.
It is just amazing for me to read that and see how far I've come and how richly I've been blessed with Isabella. Last year at this time, I was getting ready to start my injections. I was so scared of it. I was doubtful of this working. I felt as though all my hope was drained out of me. I was growing weary of all the fertility treatments. And when my new cycle started a year ago, I was filled with new hope. That hope only came from God. He gave me a renewed hope. He alone knew that my prayers for a child would be answered that cycle. I am so thankful for everything I went through. I'm thankful for the pain of failed cycles. I'm thankful for the lessons in patience and trust. I'm thankful for the lessons in stepping out in faith. I'm thankful for the bumps in the road, the long journey, the trials along the way. It isn't just the outcome that makes us blessed, it is the journey to get there. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I almost gave up hope. Yes, it made me feel broken, empty, useless. But at the same time, yes, it strengthened my faith. Yes, it taught me more reliance on God. Yes, it strengthened my marriage. A year makes so much difference. And I'm just so thankful for the blessings of the past year. Rereading my post from last year makes me appreciate my precious miracle even more.
