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So I feel very broken today, like a toy that was purchased for a child and when they went to play with it, it was already broken. That's me, the broken toy.
I've tried so hard for over two years to always be strong in the face of infertility, but sometimes, the weight of it all is too heavy. Tomorrow, I start a new chapter in this journey, I start injectables. My doctor is positive that this will work for me. I trust Dr. V, I really do, but I guess there's a part of me that feels like this is never going to happen.
I'm thankful that I serve a God who would never give me more than I could handle. I know that there are many lessons that He is teaching me throughout this journey. But nonetheless, it is still emotionally trying. Today is one of my "blah" days. I just feel like I should be returned to the "Future Mommy" store and labeled "Broken." Ugh...just one of those days. These feelings will pass on by, I know that, but while they last, it sure isn't fun!
So I got up this morning in a rotten mood. No reason why, just in a rotten mood. My Hubby is great, he is one of the most patient men there could ever be. He deserves a medal of honor or something. I know he wants a baby badly. And I know that it pains him to see me struggling with PCOS. It's been hard being on the fertility meds for eight months now. But he's so good to me. I try not to be rotten towards him when I'm in a rotten mood. So I forewarned him this morning.
Anyway, it's been a weird weekend for me. Yesterday, I was a wee bit nauseous and I think I may be fighting some germs from the kids at school. Although, I would love to hope it was something else, I'm not going to get my hopes up this early. I'm only at CD 22. It's a bit early to worry, stress, or get all excited. So I'd rather just think it has to do with germs.
The sermon in church was very powerful this morning. My pastor at Fellowship Baptist Church (NJ) has been preaching what is nicknamed "The Coffee House Series." Basically, it's real world issues and questions that he has been asked that he feels he needs to preach about. Today, it was about how a supposed good God can allow suffering in the world. Although I don't consider myself to be suffering, I certainly consider myself to be on a difficult journey! So it was good to be reminded that I serve a loving God. I was reminded that God intends struggles and difficult moments for our benefit. It is teaching me patience, that is for sure. I'm generally an impatient person with life's events (I'm very patient with people, as that comes much easier to me).
I'm getting increasingly impatient as I wait for next weekend. AF should be here by the end of next weekend and I'm nervous to see if she comes or if maybe she's taking a 9 month vacation. Wouldn't that be nice! I guess we'll all have to wait and see.
For now, I'm going to go and drink another cup of coffee and perhaps, rid myself of the rotten mood that I'm still in.
