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Dearest Aunt Flow decided to visit today. It's about time she got here. She's been standing at the door for like 3 days now but just wasn't ready for a visit. How annoying! Everything is run on her time.
Anyway. I made my appointment for baselines. I go in Thursday morning. Hopefully, that lovely cyst has run its course and is out of my body. It's on to injectables, big time. Part of me is worried that I'll have to do another cycle of bcp. I'm worried about my estrogen levels. But I'm really worried about my FSH levels. They were high last time and high estrogen is supposed to suppress estrogen levels. Ugh...I guess only time will tell what lies in waiting.
I have a fresh look on it all. Today is a new day. Today starts a fresh cycle. If my bloodwork and ultrasound are no good, I'll do another cycle of bcp. It's okay, I have to have peace about whatever my body brings my way. In the meantime, I have a huge box full of medication plus more meds in the fridge just waiting to be used. And I have an egg somewhere in my ovaries just waiting to turn into a darling baby.
I gave my ovaries a pep talk this morning. I had to make sure they were on the same page as I was. They are the boss of my cycle and they need to know what the proper directions are. Plus, I may as well coach them on how to behave. They've been misbehaving since the beginning of it all. It's time they get themselves under control! We'll see if they can behave on Thursday.
So I am just the picture of complete brokenness today. I had my CD 4 baseline appointment today. My ultrasound showed that I have a relatively small cyst on one of my ovaries. Problem is that it is yielding ridiculous amounts of estrogen. My estrogen was beyond 250 today. Not good, since they want it between like 25 and 75 or something. Add to that my FSH level, which has never been tested, was 13.5. That means my ovaries are working too hard to produce follicles. So...I'm on a mandatory break from TTC for one month. I had to talk my doctor into giving my bcp for the month. But I don't ovulate...so taking a one month break is okay, but give me something to take to keep it one month and not two months of a break! So that's my life, that's where I'm at right now. I have an appointment on the 16th with a different doctor from my office, but I didn't want to wait until the 30th or something to meet with my doctor. I want them to figure out what is wrong with me and fix me!! Like I said in my last post, I need to be returned to the "Future Mommy" store and labeled "Broken." So these doctors need to fix me, as they are the ones at the returns counter.
So I feel very broken today, like a toy that was purchased for a child and when they went to play with it, it was already broken. That's me, the broken toy.
I've tried so hard for over two years to always be strong in the face of infertility, but sometimes, the weight of it all is too heavy. Tomorrow, I start a new chapter in this journey, I start injectables. My doctor is positive that this will work for me. I trust Dr. V, I really do, but I guess there's a part of me that feels like this is never going to happen.
I'm thankful that I serve a God who would never give me more than I could handle. I know that there are many lessons that He is teaching me throughout this journey. But nonetheless, it is still emotionally trying. Today is one of my "blah" days. I just feel like I should be returned to the "Future Mommy" store and labeled "Broken." Ugh...just one of those days. These feelings will pass on by, I know that, but while they last, it sure isn't fun!
Well, AF decided to come this morning even though she certainly was not invited. So that means I start Follistim this week. I called the pharmacy yesterday to order it and the doctor's office hadn't even called it in. It makes me annoyed because my doctor asked me if I wanted to order it early just to be safe and I said yes. But the nursing and office staff never called it in. So...the doctor's office was closed yesterday when the pharmacy called them, so I have to wait until tomorrow to order it. So they're going to ship it same day delivery to my doctor's office. I need it for Tuesday because I have to go in for CD 3 baseline data. I'm supposed to have my medication with me so that they can show me how to use it.
So it's official. I am going to become a human pincushion. I must admit that I am not ready for that. I was secretly hoping that this was it for me, that the last Clomid cycle did the trick. Nope, it wasn't to be. So now we move on to injectables + trigger. I have no idea what side effects to expect, what mood changes to expect...DH just got used to the Clomid and how he has to get used to a different drug. Who knows how the levels of hormones will affect me. I'll keep you all posted as I take on the job of being a human pincushion.
So I left my RE's office today feeling a bit relieved and yet nervous. On a positive note, they weighed me and I haven't really gained any weight on Clomid. And since I've been on it for 8 cycles, that's a good thing. But my blood pressure was high today. I struggle as it is with high blood pressure and take medication to keep it regulated. But it was high, surely because of nerves. I get very anxious when I have to go to see any doctor.
Anyway, we discussed the Clomid and having 3 follicles this past cycle. Apparently, my progesterone has been super each cycle with the exception of one cycle where it was still high, but not what they wanted, so they had to increase my Clomid. So the Clomid with Ovidrel has been working for me. But after 8 months, it's time to move on. I think he is going to try to order the Follistim pen. If I have to do the daily injectables, that would start next week. I'm still waiting to see what this weekend brings. The RE's office is going to order the Follistim (or whatever my insurance will cover, but I'm sure they'll cover the Follistim) today. Even though I won't know until this weekend about being pregnant or not, I'd rather have my medicine just in case. They have a donation program at the RE's office for unused fertility injectables. They use those for people who have no insurance coverage for them. So I can always donate them if I don't need them. We'll see...not holding my breath, though.
I'm hoping so much for a BFP. If I can avoid daily injectables, I would love to. He did say that the percentage of conceiving will go up if I move to injectables. But the percentage of twins and triplets also increases. Ugh...fingers crossed for no AF this weekend. Take a vacation, AF, and come back next year.
So I got up this morning in a rotten mood. No reason why, just in a rotten mood. My Hubby is great, he is one of the most patient men there could ever be. He deserves a medal of honor or something. I know he wants a baby badly. And I know that it pains him to see me struggling with PCOS. It's been hard being on the fertility meds for eight months now. But he's so good to me. I try not to be rotten towards him when I'm in a rotten mood. So I forewarned him this morning.
Anyway, it's been a weird weekend for me. Yesterday, I was a wee bit nauseous and I think I may be fighting some germs from the kids at school. Although, I would love to hope it was something else, I'm not going to get my hopes up this early. I'm only at CD 22. It's a bit early to worry, stress, or get all excited. So I'd rather just think it has to do with germs.
The sermon in church was very powerful this morning. My pastor at Fellowship Baptist Church (NJ) has been preaching what is nicknamed "The Coffee House Series." Basically, it's real world issues and questions that he has been asked that he feels he needs to preach about. Today, it was about how a supposed good God can allow suffering in the world. Although I don't consider myself to be suffering, I certainly consider myself to be on a difficult journey! So it was good to be reminded that I serve a loving God. I was reminded that God intends struggles and difficult moments for our benefit. It is teaching me patience, that is for sure. I'm generally an impatient person with life's events (I'm very patient with people, as that comes much easier to me).
I'm getting increasingly impatient as I wait for next weekend. AF should be here by the end of next weekend and I'm nervous to see if she comes or if maybe she's taking a 9 month vacation. Wouldn't that be nice! I guess we'll all have to wait and see.
For now, I'm going to go and drink another cup of coffee and perhaps, rid myself of the rotten mood that I'm still in.
